


Crush It

by persnicketythings



Category: The Book of Mormon - Parker/Stone/Lopez
Genre: Angst, But also loves Connor, F/M, Kevin has a Mormon girlfriend, Kevin's really confused, M/M, Slow Burn, but they'll get there, mcpriceley
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-31
Updated: 2018-03-18
Packaged: 2018-12-09 05:25:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 23
Words: 38,335
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11662509
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/persnicketythings/pseuds/persnicketythings
Summary: Elder Connor McKinley has worked hard to turn off his gay thoughts, but has come to accept that he has feelings for Elder Kevin Price - who happens to have a girlfriend. Knowing the feelings will never be reciprocated, Connor tries to crush them, while Kevin begins to think through his own feelings...





	1. Turn It Off

**Author's Note:**

> I am McPriceley through and through.  
> I don't have an update schedule, or many chapters pre-written, though I do have a basic idea of where I'm going with this.

It was about a week after Elders Price and Cunningham arrived when Connor McKinley admitted to himself that he maybe had a crush on Elder Price.  
  
Objectively, as a heterosexual male, he could admit that Elder Price was attractive. He was tall, fit, had fantastic hair, deep eyes, and a captivating smile.  The biggest downside to him was that he was a bit too cocky.  To the point where he went off to a murderous warlord’s camp on his own, convinced he could change the warlord’s ideals by singing a song.  
  
So Connor could admire Elder Price’s looks, but didn’t think anything more of it at that time because his conceit was a bit too much.  But then the mission president happened.  
  
When Elder Price insisted that they were all still Latter Day Saints despite their individual flaws, he saw a passion in the boy that did not stem from arrogance, and for the first time in a long time, Connor had to use a familiar phrase for a specific purpose.  ‘ _Turn it off!’_  
  
And when Elder Price stopped worrying so much about being the best at everything, and instead began paying attention to the other elders, making real friendships, Connor began to see other amazing aspects of the boy’s personality.  He was kind-hearted, caring, considerate, funny, hard-working, engaging, smart… he was fantastic.  
  
And ‘Turn it Off’ became Connor’s mantra again.  
  
Connor had had a crush on a friend when his age was barely into double-digits.  Even that young, he knew that the Mormon Church frowned upon those kinds of thoughts, so he didn’t dare bring them up with anyone.  Instead he willed himself to stop the thoughts.  And he did fairly well with it.  
  
Even though inappropriate thoughts about other males would occasionally occur, Connor was able to turn them off and lived his life as a heterosexual male.  He even had a girlfriend for about a year when he was sixteen/seventeen.  Of course, because they were both devout Mormons, they were chaste, so nothing more than kissing ever occurred, but the relationship was fine.  He didn’t love her as more than a friend, and didn’t feel any thrill when he was with her, but she was a wonderful girlfriend (even if she seemed more like a friend who he occasionally kissed).  
  
But getting to know Elder Price was making Connor doubt all he knew in the last few years.  He was confident that he had suppressed his inappropriate thoughts well enough over the years that he would be able to be happy to meet and marry a lovely Mormon woman after his mission ended.  
  
But now Connor found himself having inappropriate thoughts about a boy.  He wanted to spend time with Elder Price and get to know him better. What was his favourite colour? What was his family like? What were his hobbies? What did he picture for his future?  
  
Of course he wanted to know all of these things about the other boys on the mission. He cared about all of the elders.  But Elder Price was the only one with whom he wanted to have these conversations while running his fingers through the other boy’s hair. Or holding hands. Or resting his head on his shoulder.  Or sharing chaste kisses between questions. Or removing his shirt.  
  
And it was maddening.  It had been two months since Connor had admitted his crush to himself, and it was only getting worse.  The more he got to know Elder Price, the more his crush developed into actual feelings. It wasn’t love yet, but it was more than ‘ _like_ ’. And it was embarrassing.  
  
He would catch himself gazing at Elder Price, studying the angles of the boy’s face, or smiling when he would genuinely laugh at something Elder Cunningham said.  More than once he had replied with “Huh, what?” when asked a question during one of these dazed moments, before flushing with embarrassment and excusing himself with “I apologize, I was distracted thinking of some of the duties I’m required to perform tomorrow.”  
  
But the worst part of these feelings is that they weren’t mutual.  
  
After the debacle with the mission president, all of the elders began taking time to know each other better.  They would spend time each evening just asking each other questions about their lives, and all of the boys would admit that it was by far their favourite time of the mission.  Just a group of new friends, hanging out eating snacks (however meagre) and joking around while getting to know each other better.  But one night about a month ago crushed Connor.  
  
_“So what about relationships,” Elder Davis had asked.  “Does anyone have someone waiting back home?”_  
  
_Most of the boys had shaken their heads, as Elder Cunningham laughed, “Heck no.  I am not a ladies man. But thank goodness ‘Nessun Dorma’ seems to like me just fine.  So no lady back home, but I got me a lady right here!”_  
  
_The elders laughed, and Elder Price shared, “My girlfriend Sariah is actually serving her own mission right now in Toronto.”_  
  
_“How long have you been together?” Elder Church asked._  
  
_“About a year and a half,” Price replied. “We’ve actually talked about getting engaged after our missions end.”_  
  
_“Do you have a picture?” Elder Thomas asked._  
  
_“We’re not supposed to bring too many personal items with us, but Sariah snuck a picture into my luggage before we left,” Elder Price said as he went to his room, bringing back a picture that got passed around._  
  
_“WOW!” Elder Michaels exclaimed as he looked at the picture.  “She’s hot!”_  
  
_Elder Price chuckled and Elder McKinley reluctantly had to agree as the picture reached him.  Sister Sariah was definitely beautiful, with sparkling blue eyes, a kind smile, and long shining blonde hair.  But what really grabbed his attention was that it was a picture of the couple.  Sariah was smiling, but Elder Price was laughing genuinely, probably at something she had said, and his arms were comfortably wrapped around her.  They looked happy. And he’d said as much as he passed the picture on to Elder Cunningham._  
  
_“Thanks,” Price had replied with a small smile._  
  
Though he’d always known the chances of Elder Price reciprocating his feelings would be slim, that night had completely crushed Connor, and he had softly cried himself to sleep.  
  
Waking up the next morning, he had sworn to himself that he would place his feelings for Elder Price into a box and CRUSH IT.  
  
He’d started by mentally nitpicking over Price’s imperfections.  
  
‘ _He drinks too much coffee and he swears. He doesn’t know if he believes in Heavenly Father. He bites his fingernails.  He smiles too much. He occasionally lets the children win when they play soccer. He sometimes fails when he tries to make the local cuisine, though at least he’s trying. He screamed when that spider was in the living room, though I did too. His hair is always perfect, no matter how humid it might be. When he sweats it doesn’t look gross, instead he just glows. He always tries to help others.  GOSH DARN IT!’_  
  
Focusing on his imperfections obviously wasn’t working, so instead Connor decided to avoid Price.  Not all the time – he couldn’t avoid him at meals, or during their evening bonding sessions, but he tried to make it so they weren’t alone together. When those situations arose, he’d usually excuse himself to ‘do district leader work’ which meant he’d retreat to his room and try to distract himself from the person outside. He was usually unsuccessful.  
  
He thought he’d been pretty subtle with his actions, but apparently he was wrong.  
  
“Hi Elder McKinley,” Elder Price said one afternoon as he returned home from an afternoon of the locals teaching Elders Price, Church and Michaels to play cricket.  
  
Connor had been sitting on the couch, reviewing some paperwork when Price entered and poured himself some water.  
  
Connor looked up and was momentarily distracted, watching the way the muscles in Price’s neck worked as he swallowed the water and the way his Adam’s apple bobbed before he caught himself.  
  
“Hello, Elder,” Connor said, gathering his papers. “I’ll just get out of your hair and work on these in my room.”  
  
“Elder McKinley, wait!” Elder Price called, causing Connor to hesitantly pause.  Price placed his glass in the sink (which Connor knew he’d go back to clean soon, because Price never left his dirty dishes lying around, unlike some of the others) and moved to the couch to sit beside Connor.  
  
Having not been in such close proximity for a few weeks, Connor’s breath hitched.  They weren’t sitting too closely, but Connor could still feel the warmth radiating off of Price.  
  
“Elder McKinley, I don’t want to make accusations, but it feels as though you’ve been avoiding me,” Price said.  
  
‘ _Dang it!’_ Connor thought to himself.  “I’m afraid I don’t know what you’re talking about, Elder Price,” Connor said, inwardly cringing at the lie.  
  
“Elder McKinley, every time I see you, you are always in a rush to get work done, and then I don’t see you again for hours.  I was getting worried that you were overworking yourself, and I mentioned my concerns in passing to Elder Poptarts.  He sounded confused, because he hasn’t noticed this.”  
  
“Well,” Connor replies, beginning to panic, “He’s my companion, so of course he’s able to see me at times when I’m not focused on my duties.”  
  
“That’s what I assumed too,” Price said.  “But Elders Michaels, Neeley and Church overheard and said they didn’t notice you rushing around like I have. Elder McKinley, have I done something to upset you?” Price asked, sadly.  
  
“What? No, of course not!”  
  
“Please, Elder McKinley,” Price pleaded, “I’m trying not to be as difficult as I was at the beginning, and I’m trying to right any wrongs I’ve made.  Please, if I’ve done something, please let me know so I can apologize or work to make things better.”  
  
“Elder Price,” Connor was heartbroken to hear the distress in the boy’s voice.  
  
“I don’t know what I did,” Price continued, on the verge of tears.  “I don’t know why you’re avoiding me and not the others.  If I did something to upset you, please… I’m so sorry!”  
  
“Elder Price,” Connor said, on the verge of tears himself, hating how his actions had broken this spectacular boy.  “You’ve done nothing wrong. It’s me.”  
  
“You?” Elder Price was confused.  
  
“I…” Connor took a breath.  He wanted to make something up to explain his actions, but looking into the eyes of the boy beside him, he knew he couldn’t lie, no matter how horrible the consequences would be.  
  
“Elder Price, do you remember when you arrived here in Uganda?”  
  
“How could I forget,” Price replied, puzzled by the turn in the conversation.  “Arnold and I were robbed, the locals were saying ‘fuck you, god’, and you greeted us with a song and dance about turning off any feelings that don’t feel right.”  
  
“I’m referring more to the last one.  Um, do you remember what I mentioned about myself in that song?”  
  
“You mentioned having homosexual feelings for your friend, and how you got past them,” Price remembered, still perplexed at the topic.  
  
“I did.  And I had been pretty successful for many years.  But then I got to know you.”  
  
“You got to know me? What do you mean?” Price seemed genuinely confused.  
  
Connor looked away in embarrassment.  “Um, the kind of thoughts I was having about my friend when I was 10, I’ve kind of been having for you for a little while, except more.” He chanced a look at Elder Price out of the corner of his eye, and saw the object of his affection staring at him in shock, mouth slightly open and eyes wide.  
  
“Um… I don’t… I’m…” It was clear Elder Price didn’t know how to reply.  
  
“I know you’re not gay,” Connor said, trying to continue the explanation of his actions.  “And I know you have a girlfriend and you’re going to get married.  But it’s hard to be around you because I really like you.  It started as a crush but as I got to know you better it turned into real feelings.  And because I know there’s zero chance of anything happening, it’s just too hard to spend time with you, at least until I can crush these thoughts.  So that’s why I’ve been avoiding you.”  
  
Elder Price continued to sit still on the couch, not knowing how to reply, as Connor re-gathered his papers and stood.  
  
“Please don’t hate me,” he whispered as he brought his work into his bedroom, allowing himself to cry once the door was shut behind him.


	2. The Amazing Kevin Price

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the comments and kudos!

Kevin Price had always prided himself on being successful.  
  
He worked hard in school and was valedictorian at his high school graduation, also receiving full scholarships to university. He was well liked by his peers and had been voted class president, as well as both homecoming and prom king in his senior year of high school.  
  
He also had a wonderful and beautiful girlfriend that his parents also adored and with whom he had begun discussing their future plans.  
  
He participated in many extra-curricular activities, and not just as resume padding.  He truly enjoyed basketball, soccer, debate, yearbook, and even chess.  He also volunteered at a nearby hospital, spending his time mainly in the pediatric ward, adored and was loved by all of the children he met there.  
  
He was a devout Mormon, and could basically recite the Book of Mormon word for word.  He genuinely enjoyed reviewing the book nightly, as well as helping out around the church.  Between his love and knowledge of scripture, and his infectious enthusiasm, he greatly excelled at the Missionary Training Centre.  
  
Because he was so successful, Kevin was extremely confident in himself. He knew that his self-assuredness could come across as arrogance, however nobody ever really called him on it because it wasn’t unfounded.  
  
So when it came time for Kevin to go on his mission, he knew he would receive one of the other top elders as his companion and would be sent somewhere fantastic where he could do something incredible.  
  
Therefore, imagine his surprise when he was paired with the weakest member of their class and sent to a place that was literally hell on Earth. After meeting Elder Cunningham, Kevin was disappointed, but quickly let himself accept that this was obviously Heavenly Father’s plan, and that he and Elder Cunningham would do great things together.  
  
After learning he’d be sent to Uganda, and not another location both starting and ending with vowels (Orlando), he was extremely upset.  But upon researching the location, he began to see some positives. The official language was English, so while he would work on his Swahili, he would be able to communicate easily, and since it was an equatorial country, he wouldn’t have to deal with cold winters. The biggest positive was that while it wasn’t as wonderful a location as he’d been hoping for, that just meant that he would be able to make a bigger difference.  Obviously Heavenly Father had faith in Kevin’s abilities to help the people of this country.  
  
But then he actually got to Uganda.  
  
Immediately upon their arrival, Kevin and Elder Cunningham had their bags stolen by men who pointed guns in their faces.   
  
Then he met the locals who did not look favourably upon Heavenly Father.  They cursed Him for allowing their lives to be so difficult. Kevin definitely felt a bit bad for complaining about things like planes and buses being crowded and late after learning that 80% of the people he’d be meeting were living with a gruesome illness and had such limited resources – even water was a precious commodity.  But he was still scandalized that they turned these horrible situations into a reason to curse the Lord.  
  
And then someone’s head splattered all over him when a terrifying warlord shot a man just for defending his wife. He thanked Heavenly Father every day that none of the blood had gotten into his eyes, nose, or mouth, and Dr. Gotswana had cleared his health after the incident.  
  
Because of the traumatic experiences, Kevin had a bit of a breakdown and just wanted to get the heck out of Uganda.  And who could blame him? He had been in situations with guns TWICE in less than 24 hours, and literally had someone’s brain matter on his face.  
  
This is not what was supposed to be happening to the amazing Kevin Price.  
  
And he knew he took it out on the people around him. People who had been nothing but wonderful to him, especially Elder Cunningham.  The other elders didn’t treat him the best after his breakdown, but he couldn’t really blame them after his attitude.  But everyone (including Kevin) had apologized in the time since.  
  
But Kevin let his pride get in the way again and thought he could save everyone by rushing into a murderous warlord’s camp and singing about religion. What an idiot.  And he paid for his arrogance (though he definitely didn’t deserve such a high price, and the warlord had since tried to make amends upon his baptism).  
  
His peers had been such a great support system since those events that they really helped him to work through the trauma he’d experienced. When he would hyperventilate at sudden loud noises, flashing back to the gunshot, they would patiently help him calm down.  When he would wake from a nightmare, remembering his experiences with the warlord, they would be there for him.  
  
In learning to experience friendship as a two-way street, Kevin had found the best friend he’d ever had in Arnold Cunningham. He had begun forming close bonds with the other elders; especially Elder McKinley whose enthusiasm, kind-heartedness and smile always seemed to calm him better than anyone else.  
  
But then Elder McKinley began avoiding him.  
  
Kevin didn’t really recognize it as avoidance at first.   They had just been dealt a major blow from the mission president, and were scrambling to be able to stay in Uganda.  As the district leader, Elder McKinley had a lot of work to do to try to convince the president to keep their district alive.  But that was resolved within about a week, thanks to everyone (but especially Kevin) pitching in to help.  
  
Then there was reassuring everyone (elders and Ugandans) that they absolutely were Latter Day Saints, even if they were basically creating their own small branch of the religion, which they were referring to as Arnoldism, though Arnold insisted the name was temporary until they found something better.  
  
But once things had settled, Elder McKinley still seemed much busier than he had towards the start of Kevin’s mission.  Whenever Kevin would greet him, Elder McKinley would politely greet him back before excusing himself to his room to work in peace.  This was going on constantly, and Kevin was worried.  
  
But he was the only one. The other elders seemed surprised when he brought it up.  
  
_“Elder Poptarts, may I speak to you for a moment?” Kevin asked, approaching the smaller boy as they left the school where they had been teaching the children about Arnoldism._  
  
_“Of course, Elder Price,” Poptarts had replied, matching his stride.  “What’s on your mind?”_  
  
_“I’m a bit worried about Elder McKinley,” Kevin said, “I’m worried that he’s overworking himself?”_  
  
_“Really?” Poptarts had replied, genuinely surprised, “I see Elder McKinley more than anyone, and I haven’t noticed anything.”_  
  
_“I don’t know anything specific, but he seems really stressed and is always thinking about the work he has to do. And he’s always rushing off to his room to do paperwork or other work pertaining to the mission.  I almost never see him anymore, outside of dinner and our evening gatherings.”_  
  
_“That’s really odd,” Poptarts replied.  “I haven’t noticed anything out of the ordinary in his workload.  Maybe I need to pay closer attention.”_  
  
_“Sorry to interrupt,” came Elder Neeley’s voice from behind, and Kevin and Poptarts turned to see Neeley and Elders Church, and Michaels, “but I haven’t noticed anything either.”_  
  
_“Me too,” said Church as Michaels nodded in agreement._  
  
_“Really?” Kevin asked, confused.  “But it’s all the time!”_  
  
_“Honestly,” said Michaels.  “I mean, Elder McKinley works hard and is doing a fantastic job at keeping the mission going, in spite of everything, but I don’t notice him doing any more than he was before, or rushing off to focus on work.”_  
  
_At these words, Kevin began to worry even more.  ‘_ Maybe I’m just overthinking things,’ _he thought to himself.  ‘_ Poptarts is his companion, so of course he sees him at other times.  But what about the others? If nobody else notices him rushing off when they greet him, then he must be avoiding me! Did I do something to hurt Elder McKinley? Have I upset him? Have I done something wrong?’  
  
_Kevin was becoming saddened, because he looked at McKinley as one of his closest friends, and wanted to make things right._  
  
But then he approached the other boy. And found out the reason for the avoidance.  
  
“Um, the kind of thoughts I was having about my friend when I was 10, I’ve kind of been having for you for a little while, except more.”  
  
Kevin’s mind went blank at Elder McKinley’s declaration. “Um… I don’t… I’m…” He didn’t even connect that words were coming out of his mouth.   
  
“I know you’re not gay,” McKinley continued, “And I know you have a girlfriend and you’re going to get married.  But it’s hard to be around you because I really like you.  It started as a crush but as I got to know you better it turned into real feelings.  And because I know there’s zero chance of anything happening, it’s just too hard to spend time with you, at least until I can crush these thoughts.  So that’s why I’ve been avoiding you.”  
  
Kevin’s mind was finally returning to him, but it was too late, as Elder McKinley had whispered “Please don’t hate me” before shutting his bedroom door behind him.  
  
‘ _Elder McKinley has feelings for me? That’s… what do I think about that?’_  
  
Kevin tried to sort through his thoughts.  
‘ _I’ve always believed it’s okay to have gay thoughts, as long as you don’t act upon them. And he’s not acting on them, he’s actively trying to get rid of them._  
  
_‘But why me? I was a disappointment when I first got here.  I know I’ve turned things around, but to go from a regretful frustration to an object of his affections within just a couple of months?_  
  
_‘How do I act now? I told him I wasn’t having gay thoughts within minutes of meeting him, and he even said he knows I’m not gay, and I’m probably going to be marrying Sariah not long after I get home._  
  
_‘He wants to avoid me until he crushes his feelings. How long will that take? I like spending time with him. He’s one of my best friends._  
  
_‘But do I still want to spend time with him? What if he can’t turn off his feelings and tries something?_  
  
_‘He’s still an amazing person, even if he likes me, and that hasn’t changed.  Will I be uncomfortable around him now?’_  
  
Kevin was taken out of his thoughts as he heard quiet sobs coming from Elder McKinley’s room, and his heart broke for the boy who was doing everything possible to not have these feelings.  
  
‘ _Of course I’ll still be comfortable, and of course I still want to spend time with him. But he doesn’t want to spend time with me. As much as it hurts, I’ll try to give him the space he wants, because I want him to be happy. And if avoiding me makes Elder McKinley happy, then I’ll have to be understanding.’_  
  
Kevin made up his mind to respect Elder McKinley’s wishes, even though his own heart was breaking at the thought of not being able to spend time with his friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to hug Connor, but Kevin needs hugs too!


	3. Breaking Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor struggles and Nabalungi tries to help.

It had been a few weeks since Connor had confessed his feelings for Elder Price, and of course the boy had to be even more incredible than expected and kept his distance, just like Connor had wanted. Connor was grateful, though adding another amazing aspect to his personality (respecting wishes) didn’t help Connor’s resolve.

Even though Connor tried to avoid eye contact during meals and the evening bonding time, he couldn’t help but notice how unhappy the other boy looked. Out of the corner of his eye, Connor would sometimes see Elder Price looking at him, sadness evident in his beautiful features.

Connor ached to comfort Elder Price, especially fully knowing that he was the one causing the other pain. He knew that Elder Price looked at him as a good friend –Connor was the first person Elder Price had trusted, even before Elder Cunningham, to share what had happened with the General. Connor had comforted the boy as they had both cried, trying his best to act as a makeshift therapist to help the boy through the trauma he’d experienced. He knew that you didn’t just share something like that with someone you didn’t care for.

Connor felt guilty for removing himself as one of Elder Price’s closest friends. He knew the boy was taking it hard, but was trying his best to pretend that everything was okay in front of the other elders. He would greet Connor just like he greeted the others, and would offer him a glass of water just like the others, but Connor saw that the smile he offered wasn’t genuine like it had been before.

But despite his guilt, Connor couldn’t do anything about it. So far, time apart wasn’t helping him get over his feelings any faster than it had been before. Even when he wasn’t around Elder Price, Connor still pictured his beautiful face. Still thought of his magnificent sense of humour. Still melted at his wonderful personality. And still daydreamed about a future he knew would never happen.

_‘Why must Heavenly Father test me so?’_ he thought to himself. _‘It isn’t enough to give me gay thoughts and nightly hell dreams, but he has to place me with my ideal man yet make him unattainable? What have I done to deserve such torture? Am I really such a horrible person that I should face this predicament?’_

The only bright side was that Connor knew that Elder Price didn’t hate him for what he’d confessed.

The only time they’d really communicated after that dreadful conversation was the next morning when Elder Price pulled him aside, away from any possible eavesdropping.

_“Elder McKinley,” Elder Price said, voice shaky with emotion, “I just wanted to let you know that I don’t think of you any differently after what you shared. I still care about you and think of you as one of my best friends. I’m still comfortable around you and I still want to spend time with you. To me, nothing has changed._

_“But I’ll respect your wishes and leave you alone. I don’t want to. I want to hang out as we have been, and keep our friendship going, but even more than that, I want you to be happy. And if being around me makes it too difficult for you to be happy, then I won’t push you.”_

_Tears were falling from Elder Price’s eyes as he spoke to Connor, who was crying as well and couldn’t say a word._

_“But Elder McKinley,” Elder Price added, “Please try to be happy. At least one of us should be, and you deserve it more than anyone I know.”_

_Elder Price gave a small, sad smile before walking away. Connor barely made it to his room before crumpling in both relief and despair._

So far the other elders didn’t seem to notice anything was amiss, for which Connor was grateful. It also meant that Elder Price hadn’t shared what had happened with any of the others.

While the others were out spreading the Word of Arnold, Connor spent time with Nabulungi. She was interested in learning about the actual Book of Mormon as well, and since Elder Cunningham didn’t know too much about the real book, she had asked Connor to teach her.

“Elder McKinley,” she interrupted as Connor was discussing the Book of Omni, “Can I ask you something a little bit personal?”

“Um, okay,” Connor replied hesitantly, “as long as I can hold the right to refuse to answer.”

Nabulungi smiled as she thought about how to word her question. “Are you okay?”

“Of course,” Connor replied automatically, “why do you ask?”

“You’ve just seemed a bit sad this last little while. You always had such an infectious personality, but you’ve seemed not yourself lately.”

Connor wasn’t sure how to reply. Of course he was sad – he was falling in love with another man with whom he couldn’t be in a relationship, and because of that fact, he had forced away the man of his dreams. But he couldn’t share that with her. Not only because homosexuality was forbidden in Mormonism, but it was very dangerous to be gay in Uganda. And on top of that, he didn’t want to put Elder Price into an even more awkward situation.

Nabulungi seemed to take his prolonged silence as confirmation that something was wrong. “Has something happened to upset you? Is it Elder Price?”

“Elder Pr… what?”

“It’s just that these last few weeks, since I noticed the change in you as well, Elder Price hasn’t seemed to be himself either. I don’t think the others have noticed, but I have. He’s not as outgoing, not as confident, and just seems like he wants to cry.”

Connor didn’t reply, so Nabulungi continued, “and he seems his saddest when he looks at you.”

After years of repressing his homosexuality, and never really being able to share, Connor finally broke.

When she saw the tears falling down Connor’s cheeks, Nabulungi pulled him into a hug and rubbed his back, softly whispering “It’s okay.”

“No it’s not,” Connor said through his sobs as he tried to calm himself. “It really really isn’t.”

Nabulungi waited patiently for Connor to explain. “I’m gay,” he said for the first time ever. “I’m gay and I’m falling in love with Elder Price. And there’s nothing I can do about it!” Connor was almost hysterical. “I’ve tried to live as a straight man. I’ve tried to think about all the things that are wrong with Elder Price. I’ve tried to avoid him, and nothing works!”

“Have you tried talking to him?” Nabulungi asked, and Connor laughed humorously.

“He approached me about avoiding him, and he thought he’d done something wrong. He was so upset because he thought he may have inadvertently done something to hurt me, and I just couldn’t lie. So I told him how I felt. I knew it wasn’t mutual. I know he’s straight, and he has a perfect Mormon girlfriend with whom he’s going to have the perfect Mormon wedding and have perfect Mormon children. So I told him why I was avoiding him, that it was just too hard to be around him with these feelings, until I can get rid of them.”

“So that’s why he’s been so upset?” Nabulungi asked.

Connor sighed. “He told me that he doesn’t think of me any differently and still wants to be my friend and spend time with me. But that he would respect my wishes to stay away. And then,” Connor started crying again, “and then he said that he wanted me to be happy, because at least one of us should be.”

“He sounds like a really good friend to you,” Nabulungi said softly, “to be sacrificing his own happiness in hopes that you’ll find yours.”

“But I’m not happy! I’m miserable!” Connor exclaimed. “The feelings aren’t going away. But now on top of these feelings I’ve also pushed away my best friend who I’m making miserable as well. But I can’t do anything about it, because I know if I spend time with him the feelings will just get worse. I’m already basically in love with him, and if I find just one more wonderful thing about him it will be hopeless, and I just can’t do it!”

Nabulungi pulled him into a hug again as he sobbed hysterically into her shoulder. “I can’t do it,” he choked out through his sobs. “I don’t know what to do. I can’t.”  
  
“Hasa Diga Eebowai,” Nabulungi whispered, as she cried silently along with her friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> <3 Connor


	4. Miserable

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kevin is confused as to why losing McKinley's friendship hurts so much, and just wants things to go back to normal. Nabulungi lends a shoulder (and an ear).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm not too happy with how this one came together. I couldn't quite get it to fit with what I had in mind. The next few chapters are almost done, and I like those ones a bit more.

It had been three months since Elder McKinley had told Kevin that he had feelings for him, and Kevin was miserable.

And the fact that he was miserable made him even more unhappy because there was so much that was truly satisfying about his time in Uganda.

He loved spending time with the children in their village, learning their games and helping out at the school. He loved helping Dr. Gotswana at the clinic, using what he learned from volunteering back home to be of assistance whenever possible. He had a huge amount of respect for the doctor to be able to provide such high-quality service (which he himself had experienced after encountering the General) with such limited resources.

He enjoyed spending time with the locals, learning more about their culture, practicing his Swahili, and playing cricket, which he had of course picked up faster than any of the other elders.

He loved laughing with Arnold as he shared new ideas for Arnoldism and got to know his best friend even better. And he also enjoyed spending time with the other elders. Kevin had thought he’d had good friends back home, but he was realizing that what he’d looked at as strong friendships back in Utah were really superficial. What he was experiencing here were friendships that would last a lifetime. He knew that even in 50 years, he would drop whatever he was doing to help any one of these boys if they were ever in need.

He should be having the time of his life, because everything was absolutely wonderful. Except for Elder McKinley.

Before Elder McKinley had confessed his romantic feelings for Kevin, he was his best friend, after Arnold. When he decided to respect the boy’s feelings and keep his distance, he knew it would be hard, but he’d had no idea just how difficult it would be.

Even now, months later, when one of the children would do something brilliant or funny, Elder McKinley was the first person Kevin wanted to share it with. When all the elders sat around in the evenings, just hanging out, Elder McKinley no longer sat either beside or directly across from Kevin – he sat a few people away so that they weren’t near or in eye line of each other, and they rarely interacted. The others would make McKinley smile or laugh, and it made Kevin’s gut clench that he was no longer the one to cause that happiness in his friend.

When Kevin woke from a nightmare, or had a panic attack, Elder McKinley was no longer there to help calm him. The other elders were absolutely wonderful and understanding in these situations, but nobody else had been able to help him with the ease that Elder McKinley had.

And days when Elder McKinley looked like he’d had a particularly bad hell dream the night before, Kevin was no longer welcome to be a support system for his friend.

So Kevin was miserable, but had to try to hide it. He wasn’t ashamed or upset by what Elder McKinley had shared, but he knew that it wasn’t his place to tell anyone, even Arnold, that Elder McKinley was suffering. 

So Kevin continued on as if nothing had changed, except it absolutely had. He tried to treat Elder McKinley as he treated the other elders, still greeting him and being polite, but that was it. He did often catch himself gazing at the other boy with longing, though he didn’t quite understand why the pain was so palpable.

There were a few times when Kevin had been on his own that he had let himself go and cried over the situation. Kevin was having one such moment, slumped behind the school, when Nabulungi walked by.

“Good afternoon, Eld… Elder Price, are you okay?” She rushed over.

Kevin quickly wiped his eyes and stood up straight, “Good afternoon Nabulungi, how are you today?”

“Elder Price, what happened?” Nabulungi asked.

“Oh, probably just allergies,” he lied.

Nabulungi shook her head and sat down, pulling Kevin down with her so their backs leaned against the school.

“Elder Price,” Nabulungi said, “I’ve spoken with Elder McKinley.”

“What?” Kevin exclaimed. “I mean, oh?”

“Elder Price, Elder McKinley confessed to me about your conversation a couple of months ago.” She lowered her voice, just in case anyone overheard, “About his feelings for you.”

“He… he did?”

Nabulungi nodded sadly. “He did.”

“How… how is he doing?” The boy seemed to be putting on a good show of doing alright, but Kevin thought he noticed sadness. He hated not knowing for sure.

“Not so good,” she confirmed. “He’s suffering. He’s dealing with feelings that he can’t control, and to try to protect himself he’s pushed away his best friend.”

Kevin hung his head in sadness. “I just want him to be happy.”

“I know you do,” Nabulungi said, wrapping her arm around the boy, “And he knows it as well. He can see that you’re suffering too and hates that he can’t make things better.”

“If we’re both miserable, then why can’t we just go back to how things were?” Kevin asked as he leaned his head on Nabulungi’s shoulder.

“Even if you picked up your friendship, things will never go back to how they were. Though you don’t think any differently about him, Elder McKinley thinks differently about himself now. And he feels that going back to spending time with you will make the pain even worse. For him it’s like the story of Adam and Eve and the forbidden fruit.”

“I hate not being able to help him,” Kevin said. “I trust and respect him more than anyone, and I just want to be there for my friend when he’s suffering. I just feel so helpless!”

“I know,” she said, “and he is so grateful for how understanding you have been about the things he said and respecting his wishes. And he wants to be there for you too, but he doesn’t know how to make things better.”

“Me neither,” Kevin whispered, crying again. “Ugh! Why does it hurt so much? We were only friends for a couple of months before this happened. How can it be so hard to lose someone I knew for such a short time? I don’t understand why it’s so hard!”

Nabulungi was silent, soothingly rubbing her hand on the boy’s back as he cried.

“Why are you telling me all this?” Kevin asked through his tears.

“I know that you are keeping the things Elder McKinley said to yourself and that it’s eating you up inside to not be able to do anything. I am here for you if you need me.”

“Thank you,” Kevin said. “But won’t Elder McKinley be upset that you broke his confidence?”

“Have I shared anything that you didn’t already know, or at least suspect?” Nabulungi asked.

Kevin shook his head as Nabulungi continued, “And while I will probably converse with Elder McKinley about the topic again in the future, I will give you the same courtesy and not share anything you don’t want him to know.”

“So what do I do?” Kevin asked, still crying. “Giving him space is making us both miserable, but spending time together will make him even more upset.”

“I honestly don’t know,” Nabulungi replied as tears fell down her face as well as she thought of the pain her dear friends were going through.

“Hasa Diga Eebowai,” Kevin said, raising his middle finger to the sky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up: an actual conversation between the boys.


	5. A Conversation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kevin and Connor finally have a conversation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been going back and forth between Kevin and Connor chapters, but this one just worked best as Kevin. Next chapter will be back to Connor and will pick up immediately where this one leaves off (no time jump)

Kevin had been in Uganda for almost a year and Gotswana had recently diagnosed him with depression.

Practically nobody noticed, or at least didn’t comment on the change in his mood and behaviour from the first 2 months of his mission. Maybe it was because he had been miserable for much longer than the time he was optimistic and outgoing, so it was the norm to the others. Maybe they just didn’t notice. Or maybe they didn’t care. But somehow Gotswana had seen it.

Gotswana wasn’t a psychologist, so he didn’t try to provide therapy, but he did notice the signs and symptoms. Kevin’s appetite had decreased. He lacked motivation – even getting off the couch to go to the bathroom seemed like too much some days. He was tired all the time. He had lost some weight. He didn’t want to interact with others. He just generally felt ‘down’.

Oh, he could fake it. He forced himself out of bed in the morning, put a smile on his face, and pretended that everything was okay. Some days he even fooled himself. But then there were the days that he walked a far away from everyone else and just screamed and sobbed. And there were days he would silently cry himself to sleep. And days when even the smallest thing, like dropping his brush, would make him have a miniature break down.

But it seemed he was able to hide his depression from everyone except Elder McKinley, Gotswana, and Nabulungi.

Kevin felt bad for Nabulungi. As the only person in whom both he and Elder McKinley had confided, she was carrying the weight of their problems, and was unable to share her own unhappiness about the situation with anyone, even keeping things from Arnold.

In the six months since Kevin had first spoken to her, she had been a venting board and a supportive shoulder many times, but Kevin didn’t want to burden her with too much, so had stopped depending on her, choosing instead to keep things to himself.

To try to keep his mind off of his misery, Kevin tried to focus on good things. Arnold was still a fantastic friend, and could always be counted on to put him into a temporary good mood. Kevin had begun a weekly Disney movie night with the local children, and could often be heard singing with them in the school. When Gotswana had been stumped by a local’s symptoms, he had helped to diagnose the (thankfully non-fatal) illness, which helped Kevin to come to the decision that he was going to study internal medicine and become a doctor upon his return to the United States.

It was odd to Kevin. He always thought that people who claimed to have depression just needed to stop making bad decisions, or just needed to cheer up and get over it. He hadn’t realized that a person could have a fantastic life, but still be depressed. 

It was also amazing to Kevin that the main cause for his unhappiness was the loss of friendship with someone he had only known for 2 months before they parted ways. He still didn’t understand how one person could affect his life in such a huge way. He still felt such a sense of longing when he would look at Elder McKinley, and it was confusing to him that he couldn’t escape that feeling.

Kevin tried to make up for the loss of Elder McKinley from his life by focusing on the relationships that he still had, including those back home. He wrote letters to his family almost every week. His parents were extremely proud to learn that he was going to become a doctor, and they loved hearing about all of the wonderful things the missionaries were doing for the people of Uganda. They were delighted to hear how many people they had baptized (though they didn’t know that they were baptized into their own branch of the church instead of the general LDS beliefs).

He received letters from Sariah often as well. Her mission in Toronto was very different from his. She spoke of how polite the Canadians generally were, though of course they had their moments, including occasionally slamming doors in her face when proselytizing. She spoke of how welcome she generally felt, even though they were much more liberal than what she was used to. She said how nice it was to be in another first-world country, and how she hoped things weren’t too rough for him in Uganda. She also spoke of how much she missed Kevin and couldn’t wait to see him again and to begin planning their future.

Sariah’s words didn’t bring him the joy and comfort that he had expected. They didn’t even bring him the happiness that notes from his parents and siblings brought. The things she was saying just seemed so superficial to him. So unimportant. Therefore the letters he wrote back ended up being just as phony. She didn’t seem to notice. And though it was a subconscious action, his replies became less frequent.

But Kevin soldiered on. He and McKinley were polite but curt, and neither acknowledged the pain they each knew the other was experiencing. Despite how much time had passed, they were each just as miserable, longing for the company of the other, and neither was able to do anything about it. The chasm between them just grew and grew, and both longed to stop the pain.

Kevin had recently decided that the students needed some sort of playground at their school, and thanks to donations of various materials from the locals, he had begun to focus his energy on building various structures for the children to use on a field he had just spent a month clearing.

He was tying together some freshly cleaned old tires for a climbing structure when he heard a voice he rarely heard behind him.

“Hi Elder Price.” Kevin stiffened as he turned around to see Elder McKinley behind him, nervously wringing his hands.

“Elder McKinley, good afternoon,” he said, tense as he turned back to his work, expecting that to be the end of it, based on their regular communication.

“The field looks great so far,” McKinley said.

Kevin sighed and stopped his work. “Elder, there is nobody else around right now, so there’s no need to carry on a polite conversation when immediately afterwards you’ll go right back to avoiding me.”

McKinley nodded sadly, not making eye contact. “I’m sorry.”

“No apology needed. Now if you’ll excuse me…” Kevin began tying the tires together again.

“No, I mean _I’m sorry.”_

Kevin stopped again and turned once more to look at the other boy who was holding back tears.

“I’m sorry for what I’ve done to you. I’m sorry that my stupid thoughts and feelings have changed who you are. I’m sorry that I’ve just stood by and let you become this unhappy person when I could have gotten over myself and just been there for you!”

“Hey,” Kevin stepped forward as though to hug the boy in comfort, but stopped himself, not wanting to upset him any further, and saw McKinley wrap his arms around himself as the tears began to fall.

“I’m so fucking selfish,” McKinley said, shocking Kevin with the curse. “I was only thinking about myself and trying to protect myself, so I’ve kept myself away for almost a year. And the worst thing is that you just wanted me to be happy.”

“I do,” Kevin whispered.

“I know,” Elder McKinley replied, “But I’m not. I’m miserable. I don’t know the last time I was happy. And to top it all off, it’s been almost a year since I lost you as my best friend, since we’ve really spent any time together, but my feelings for you are still there! I don’t know what to do!”

“Me neither,” Kevin replied. “I miss my friend. But I don’t want to make your life more difficult.”

“But it is more difficult! Because I still see you, and hear about and witness the amazing things you’re doing, but I can’t be a part of it. A part of your life. And I miss that! I mean, you’re basically the village’s second doctor. You’ve been diagnosing illnesses, and I know you’re the one who set Ghali's leg when he broke it a few months ago.

“And look at this, you’re building an entire schoolyard for the children from nothing! You’re doing all of these amazing things, and I can’t be there to help you enjoy all you’ve accomplished.”

Kevin shrugged. Yes, he’d been doing those things, but not for recognition. 

“And I miss being there for you when you have a nightmare.” Kevin tensed at this as Elder McKinley continued. “I um,” he looked away, “I can hear you shout out or cry when you have a bad one, and I still have to hold myself back from trying to comfort you. I’ve actually cried when I’ve heard you.”

“So why have you kept away?”

“Because I can’t let myself get too close to you!” Elder McKinley exclaimed, crying. “If I get too close then I won’t be able to stay away, and then I’ll just keep falling harder and harder.”

“So why are you talking to me now? It doesn’t sound like anything has changed for you.”

“It hasn’t,” Elder McKinley confirmed.

“So then why?” Kevin asked, getting angry. “Why are you doing this. Are we going to have just this one honest conversation and then it’s back to avoidance? Is anything going to change?”

“I don’t know,” Elder McKinley said.

“Then you should probably go now. You know how miserable I’ve been. You know I’m in pain. You know I’m depressed. You can’t pretend you don’t know. And I can’t get my hopes up that I’ll possibly get my friend back if in an hour it will be like this never happened.” He turned back to his work.

“Elder Price…” the other boy started, but Kevin cut him off, back still towards him off as the tears began to fall.

“Goodbye, Elder McKinley.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> <3 Kevin


	6. What Else Can I Do?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor struggles and talks with Nabulungi.

Connor cried as he left Elder Price in the schoolyard. He was sobbing his entire walk back to the mission house.

_‘Why did I have to talk to him? Why did I have to make things even worse?’_

But Connor knew why. He craved Elder Price’s company. Whenever the other elders spoke of Elder Price’s accomplishments, he stopped whatever he was doing to hear about the amazing things the boy was doing, though he also pretended that he already knew what the boy had done to keep the others from suspecting anything.

Connor remembered the awe on Elder Davis’ voice when he was telling Neeley about Elder Price’s work at the clinic.

_“Gotswana told me that he’d had to go into town for supplies, and left Elder Price in charge of the clinic,” Davis was saying._

_Connor was in the kitchen drying dishes, but at the mention of Elder Price’s name, changed his focus to the conversation going on in the living area._

_“Why couldn’t Elder Price get the supplies?” Neeley asked._

_“Apparently since the supply contracts are in Gotswana’s name, because he’s the actual doctor, they won’t give the supplies to anyone else.”_

_“Makes sense – you don’t want to give a bunch of medication to some random guy.”_

_“Yeah,” Davis continued. “So anyway, I guess Ghali hops into the clinic on one leg and his other leg was seriously messed up. So Price all calmly gets him to lie on the table and takes x-rays like some pro!”_

_“Wow,” Neeley said._

_“I know! And the leg was broken, of course, but Price could somehow tell it wouldn’t need surgery. I guess he gave Ghali some mild pain meds, to try to hold him over until Gotswana got back to set his leg, but Ghali wanted to get back to working, and asked Price to do it. And he did!”_

_“And how did he do?”_

_“Well Gotswana walked past Ghali on his way back and saw the cast and was all ‘What the fuck?’ and when Ghali explained, Gotswana examined the cast, which was flawless, then got back to the clinic to yell at Price, because of course he’s not qualified, but saw the x-rays and the kind and amount of medicine given and everything and apparently, it was all perfect!”_

_“Wow,” Neeley said again, amazed at what Price had done._

‘Wow,’ _Connor thought to himself in the kitchen, proud of the boy he loved, but crushed that he couldn’t praise him on his work._

_That evening, the elders held a small congratulatory party to celebrate Price’s work. Connor hadn’t attended, instead begging off to ‘work’ in his room._

When Connor was with the other elders, he was usually able to fake happiness and positivity. He was still able to laugh and joke around with them, and sometimes actually genuinely enjoyed himself. 

While he wasn’t thriving in Uganda as much as Elder Price was (not that anyone was), overall he was leading a very fulfilling life in his new home. 

He had begun to provide dance classes to the village children and some of the adults who were interested, which surprisingly included the general (who even more surprisingly, was extremely good!)

He helped Elder Cunningham in his teachings to the villagers, injecting just enough of the LDS doctrine to keep them informed in case the mission president came by again, and so that he didn’t have to completely bend the truth in his weekly reports.

He kept the missionaries sane and comfortable in Uganda, helping to keep things organized, guiding them in how to survive being adults and being self-reliant.

Connor also had good friendships with some of the other elders, especially Poptarts and Church, with whom he was the most comfortable.

But he couldn’t let himself be comfortable around Elder Price. Every time he saw the other boy he would feel contentment initially because of how wonderful he was, but then he would tense, remembering that he couldn’t let himself feel his love for him. 

While Connor had come to accept that he was not heterosexual, he was still not okay with it. So he simultaneously tried to accept who he was, while also trying to crush those thoughts. 

And even if he had accepted who he was, he still couldn’t let himself enjoy being genuinely in love for the first time, because those feelings would never be reciprocated. He would never be able to act on his love or experience being in a relationship with the man of his dreams. Elder Price was not gay. He’d made that clear within minutes of their first meeting. And he had a wonderful girlfriend who he loved and planned to marry. Even if Elder Price miraculously developed romantic feelings for Connor, he was not the kind of person to ever act upon them when committed to someone else.

So Connor continued to pine while berating himself for allowing himself to pine. He knew that he was gay, but wasn’t okay with being gay. He was going crazy and didn’t know how much longer he could hold on to the last vestiges of his sanity.

He had come to cherish his conversations with Nabulungi, since she was the only person with whom he could be completely honest and open.

“I think I’m reaching my breaking point,” he said during her regular lesson on the Book of Mormon.

“Should we switch to the Second Book of Nephi?” Nabulungi asked, flipping pages in her scripture.

“No,” Connor said. “I mean with Elder Price. I don’t know how much longer I can go on like this.”

Nabulungi closed her book. Elder Price had stopped talking to her about his feelings a few months prior. He had said he was ‘dealing okay’ and that he ‘didn’t want to burden her’, and despite her protests that she was happy to be there for him, and how blatantly obvious it was that he was absolutely not dealing okay, he was stubborn.

Connor, however, had continued to open up to her. He had let her know that even with their distance, he was falling deeper in love with the other boy.

“He’s even more beautiful with his tanned skin and the sun-lightened hair. And his muscles have gotten stronger with all the manual labour he’s been doing. And sometimes he works in the field with his shirt off and with his body and the sweat… well my thoughts in those times aren’t exactly pure.

“And I hear about all these amazing things he’s doing. Like diagnosing Sanyu’s illness. And teaching the children. And taking it upon himself to build them a schoolyard. He’s so well respected, and he’s really grown up. The Elder Price who first got here would have been soaking in the praise for all he’s done. This Elder Price is doing all these things because he genuinely wants to help people. And he’s actually almost embarrassed when he’s praised!

“And I’m so happy for him because he deserves it, but it’s hard because it makes him even easier to love. And despite everything he’s doing, I know that he’s not happy, and it’s all because of me.”

Nabulungi hugged her friend as he shared. “I spoke to him today,” he admitted.

“Really?” Nabulungi asked, interested.

“It didn’t go so well,” Connor admitted, sadly. “He was upset with me, not that I can blame him.”

“What happened?” Nabulungi asked. 

“I apologized for what I’ve been putting him through. And it seemed to be going well, but then I just had to go and to tell him that nothing has changed with my feelings. So he got upset that I was getting his hopes up that we could regain our friendship when I’d probably just go back to ignoring him.”

“I can’t really blame him,” Nabulungi said. “I mean, I completely get where you’re coming from with everything, but I also empathize with his side of things.”

“Me too,” Connor said. “He’s depressed. My selfishness has caused my best friend to be develop a mood disorder!”

“Connor, you can’t blame yourself.”

“No?” He asked, “Then who? All of this started when I just couldn’t handle things and had to go and fall in love with him. When I just couldn’t control myself. When I ripped our friendship away. He trusted me with his hopes and dreams, and secrets and worries, and I just abandoned him to protect myself.”

“I’m not saying your decision wasn’t a contributing factor,” Nabulungi said, honestly, “but depression isn’t usually caused by just one thing. He has been through a lot in his time here. A lot of trauma. He’s left his family and friends behind to move across the world, to a country very different from what he’s used to. He’s witnessed murder, been violently attacked, discarded by his peers in his time of need, lost his religion, had to give up on everything he spent his whole life believing in, and yes, abandoned by one of his best friends. All in such a short period of time.”

“I’m going to ask to be transferred for my last 9 months,” Connor said abruptly.

“What?”

“I can’t keep doing this. I think it will be for the best for everyone.”

“Really,” Nabulungi said, “Do you honestly think so? Who will lead everyone? My Arnold is the prophet, but he doesn’t want to be a leader”

“Elder Price would be the obvious choice.”

“Really? On top of teacher, landscaper, architect, choir instructor and doctor? You think adding another major responsibility will help his depression?”

“Well then someone else! And maybe with me not around he’ll be able to fix things.”

“Of course. Because not only will he have lost his best friend in spirit, but he’ll lose him in body as well. And he’ll be blaming himself, which will make things better.”

“Leaving now will help me, then!”

“So you won’t still be picturing him? You won’t be wondering what he’s doing? You won’t be longing for him?”

“I just don’t know what else to do!” Connor shouted, anguished. “I’ve tried everything. It’s been a year and nothing is working. I’m still in love with him! What else can I do? I’m going to request a transfer.”

“We need to talk,” came a voice from behind the couch. Connor turned to see Elder Price standing at the entrance to the room, a scared look on his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back to Kevin next chapter, then... they finally have a real talk.


	7. Thinking Things Over

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kevin receives some guidance from an unlikely source.

Kevin turned around once he was certain that Elder McKinley was walking away. He sat down and leaned against the pile of tires he was working on as the tears continued to fall.

“White Boy!” came a voice that still caused Kevin to flinch, even though the general was genuinely repentant about his actions towards Kevin, and they had grown to build a tolerable working relationship.

“General,” Kevin said, quickly wiping his eyes and standing. Despite the truce between them, Kevin was still not comfortable being in a position of vulnerability around the man before him.

But the general surprised Kevin by tossing his rifle to the side and sitting down himself before patting the ground beside him. “Sit,” he said. His voice was as curt and gruff as usual, though he meant it as a simple request.

Kevin hesitated briefly before sitting, leaving a space between them.

“I heard your conversation with the pasty white boy,” the general said, causing Kevin to tense, worried for Elder McKinley.

“Calm your ass,” the general said, noticing Kevin’s reaction. “The Book of Arnold says we should not discriminate against people for who they love. If the prophet says fucking a man in the ass is okay, then I say it’s okay. You and McKinley have nothing to worry about.”

“Me? I’m not gay!” Kevin insisted. “But I’m glad you’re not going to shoot him in the face like you do other people.”

The general glared at Kevin and he knew he’d gone too far. “Sorry,” Kevin mumbled.

“I have not harmed anybody in months,” the general said, “I have been nothing but a respectable Latter Day Saint since my baptism. But I see our prior interactions still taint our relationship.”

“How can they not?” Kevin shouted. “Your men stole my stuff, you shot a guy for wanting to protect his wife and I get covered in his brains and blood, and then you shoved my Book of Mormon up my fucking ass!”

The general chuckled, “That was a good one.”

Kevin glared, his hatred palpable. “Oh yes, it was so much fun to have that happen. To have not only the pain of something large and foreign roughly forced there, but to also have to deal with the paper cuts. And then of course, the book slowly loosening as it settled and tried to unravel itself. And then having it taken out, with even more damage. Oh yes, the greatest joy of my life!”

“I have already apologized, and have been working to redeem myself,” the general said, “But I am not sitting with you to discuss the book.”

“Then why the heck are you sitting here?” Kevin asked.

“As I said, I heard your conversation with the pasty one. Your homosexual friend is in love with you.”

Kevin groaned, “Yes,” he admitted, knowing it was useless to deny it.

“And you love him.”

“Well he’s one of my best friends,” Kevin said, and the general shook his head. “No. You love him like he loves you.”

“No,” Kevin replied shaking his head. “I’m not gay. I have a girlfriend that I’m going to marry when we leave Uganda.”

“You love the pale one,” the general insisted. “Do not lie.”

“I’m not lying!” Kevin insisted. “I love my girlfriend.”

“When did you last write Sariah?” The general asked. Kevin looked at him, curious about his knowledge and the general shrugged unapologetically. “I read mail.”

Kevin thought back and realized it had been a few weeks since he’d written to his girlfriend.

“You don’t miss her,” the general said, simply. “But you miss McKinley.”

“So what?” Kevin asked. “Sariah and I are in a long-distance relationship. It’s understandable that our communication would lessen over time.”

The general just shook his head at Kevin. “I see you white boys. Even when you think I don’t. I see you look at McKinley like a starving man looks at a plate of food. Why do you think you’re so miserable without him, yet you can go on no problem without your girlfriend? Why do you think you struggle so much to understand why it’s affecting you so much?”

“He was my best friend,” Kevin said, simply.

“Yeah, for a couple of months. It wouldn’t upset you so much if you didn’t love him.”

Kevin just shook his head. “Why are you telling me all this?”

The general laughed. “Like I said, I see you white boys. You amuse me.”

“So you’re interfering in my life so that I can entertain you?”

“Idiot,” the general said, clenching his jaw in frustration and causing Kevin to flinch. “I say this because I _see_ you boys. You may be stupid, but you are good boys.”

The general stood up and picked up his gun. “Stop being such a fucking idiot. I don’t want to have to start shooting people again.”

Kevin stayed sitting as the general walked away.

_‘I am not in love with Elder McKinley!’_ Kevin insisted to himself. _‘I’m not gay! I like girls. I love Sariah!’_

_‘But then why did losing him hit you so hard?’_ He also thought. _‘You shouldn’t be suffering from depression after ending a friendship with someone you knew for two months. You should be over it by now.’_

_‘I trusted him! I trusted Elder McKinley with my secrets and my doubts. I gave him everything and he abandoned me!’_

_‘Yeah, but he was scared of loving you. Yes, he wanted to protect himself from getting hurt, but he also wanted to protect you from getting caught up in his conflict.’_

_‘But I can’t love him. I’m not gay!’_

_‘Maybe you’re not gay, but you can still love him. Think about it.’_

And Kevin did think about it. He thought about things he did with Sariah. He pictured holding hands with her as they walked down the street. He thought about cuddling on the couch as they watched a movie. He thought about making out in his car. He thought about them laughing with their arms wrapped around one another. He thought about just before they left for their missions when she let him touch her under her shirt for the first time.

And for the first time, he didn’t get a warm longing feeling when thinking about her. There was the nostalgia there, but he didn’t feel a big desire to continue those experiences.

He thought about doing those things with Elder McKinley. Before everything happened, they used to laugh and joke all the time. They used to nudge each other with their shoulders and hips. There were times when Kevin was having so much fun he would just hug him or throw his arm around him. 

He pictured holding Elder McKinley’s hand in their home (since they wouldn’t dare do anything like that in public in Uganda). He pictured laying with his head in the other boy’s lap as they watched a movie, McKinley running his fingers through Kevin’s hair. He pictured being the one to bring a smile to the boy’s lips after kissing him good morning or goodnight.

And he wasn’t disgusted. He was happy.

_‘Okay, so I can picture doing some coupley things with him. But that doesn’t mean that I love him!’_

Kevin began his walk back home as he continued thinking. _‘His mission is over in 9 months. How will I feel when he leaves?’_

_‘I’ll be devastated. Even if we don’t talk again until that time, I won’t handle his leaving well. I’ll miss having him around. And we’ll fall out of contact, since he won’t want to see or hear from me. So that will be it. In nine months I won’t exist to him, and he won’t exist in my life. I don’t want that!’_

_‘But that still doesn’t mean that I love him. It will be hard to leave Gotswana, Mafala, Kimbay and everyone here. I’ll be devastated to lose them too. And I don’t love them!’_

Kevin reached the house and slipped inside. He began to walk to his room, but stopped as he heard the conversation going on in the living room.

“Leaving now will help me, then!” Elder McKinley was saying. Kevin’s breath caught in his throat. _‘He’s going to leave me? No, no, no, no! He can’t leave. He can’t!’_

“So you won’t still be picturing him? You won’t be wondering what he’s doing? You won’t be longing for him?” Nabulungi asked.

“I just don’t know what else to do!” McKinley shouted. _‘Don’t leave!’_ Kevin thought. _‘Don’t leave me. I don’t want you to go! Leaving isn’t the answer. Stay with me!’_

“I’ve tried everything,” McKinley continued, sounding like he was in extreme pain. It’s been a year and nothing is working. I’m still in love with him! What else can I do?” _‘No, no, no, no!’_ Kevin was panicking. 

“I’m going to request a transfer.”

_‘Holy shit. The general was right!’_

“We need to talk,” Kevin said, entering the living room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Up next: they talk. But things won't magically just be okay...
> 
> I usually have 1-2 chapters ready before I post, but I'm only about a quarter of the way finished the next one. I want to have some relief for McPriceley, but also not have them skipping off into the sunset. So I'm not too sure when it will be up.


	8. I Think I Might Love You?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor and Kevin finally talk!

“We need to talk,” Kevin said, entering the living room.

Nabulungi looked at the two boys, both of whom appeared terrified.

“Elder Price, I don’t know if…” she started before Kevin cut her off.

“Nabulungi, I know you want to help, and you’ve been absolutely wonderful throughout all this, but this isn’t about you.”

Nabulungi let out a humorless snort. “No it’s not, but I’m involved. And I care about both of you. I don’t think…”

“It’s alright Nabulungi,” Elder McKinley said, quietly, looking at the other boy hesitantly. “We probably should talk. Not talking hasn’t made things any better.”

Nabulungi looked back and forth between the boys. “Should I stay or leave you two alone?”

An understanding seemed to pass between the elders. “I think we’ll be okay,” Elder Price said, smiling nervously and softly at his friend. “But thank you. For everything.”

Nabulungi grabbed her Book of Mormon and again looked between the boys, hesitant to leave. When Elder McKinley gave a small nod she gave a soft smile before walking to the door.

“Just please be honest and kind to each other,” she said, making sure both boys agreed before she walked out.

Elder McKinley and Elder Price looked at each other briefly before looking away, both obviously at a loss of how to proceed, though knowing this had to happen. “Should we…” Elder McKinley gestured towards the couch.

“Yes, good idea,” Elder Price replied, sitting at one end, right against the arm of the couch as Elder McKinley copied his actions on the other end.

“What did you want to talk about, Elder Price?” Elder McKinley said, mentally smacking himself. _‘What does he want to talk about? Duh! What else is there to talk about?’_

“I think enough has passed between us that we can maybe use first names,” Elder Price said. “I’m Kevin.”

“Connor,” the other boy replied before snorting. 

“What’s so funny?” Kevin asked.

“We’ve lived together for a year, and a whole lot has happened between us, but I’m just now learning your name.”

Kevin smiled. “I guess that is rather ridiculous.”

The room became silent again as neither boy knew how to proceed.

“So what…”

“Connor, I…”

They started speaking at the same time before they both stopped. Connor gestured for Kevin to speak first. 

“Connor, I think we need to be completely honest. Say whatever it is we’re thinking. And like Nabulungi said, we need to respect what the other says. Agreed?”

Connor nodded, “Agreed. I think we both have a lot we need to say to each other. But you can go first.”

Kevin breathed deeply and took a moment to gather his thoughts before proceeding. “I know you blame yourself for everything. Yes, it was your feelings and your decision for us to avoid each other, but I played a role in things too. I could have refused to give you your distance. I could have also made us talk much sooner.”

“I shouldn’t have let it go on this long either,” Connor replied. “Especially when I realized that nothing was changing on my end, and when I saw you becoming so unhappy.”

Kevin looked down. “It’s been hard,” he admitted. “Really hard. I feel like I’ve held it together for the most part when I’ve been around everyone, but when I’ve been alone… I haven’t been doing so good.”

Connor couldn’t look at the other boy as he shared how he’d been feeling. Through Nabulungi, his own observations, and his earlier talk with the boy, Connor knew Kevin had been struggling, but it was still hard to hear.

“And it’s been weird,” Kevin continued. “I only knew you for two months before all this happened. It shouldn’t have hit me so hard when I lost you from my life. But you were the person I trusted more than anyone. My best friend.”

“I know,” Connor whispered.

“And you made me lose my best friend.”

“I know,” he repeated.

“It might have been easier in some ways if you weren’t around at all. Because then I wouldn’t see you laughing and joking with the others. And acting like yourself with them, then just completely shutting down when I would come into the room. I think seeing you close off like that might be even worse than not having you around at all. Not that I want you to go,” he rushed to add, remembering the conversation he walked in on.

“You were my rock through my struggles. I told you everything – my hopes and dreams, and my fears. But we also used to have so much fun together. You knew me better than anyone, and I loved spending time with you. And then to have that completely taken away out of nowhere, but still see you give that joy to everyone else? It just isn’t fair, because I did nothing wrong.”

“I know,” Connor said again. “And it was really selfish of me to make this happen, but I was only 19 and having a crisis of sexuality with no escape from the person I loved. I didn’t know how to deal with my feelings. I still don’t.”

“I get that,” Kevin said. “I really do. But I didn’t know how to deal with things on my end either, and you were the one person I really talked to when things were on my mind or confusing to me, but I couldn’t talk to you. And I really needed someone, but I couldn’t talk to Arnold or anyone else, because your sexuality and feelings for me aren’t mine to discuss with anyone else.”

Connor smiled softly, “I never thanked you for keeping things between us. But I really do appreciate it, even though I know it was hard.”

“Of course,” Kevin said. “I was a bit of an asshole when I got here, but even my jerkiest self wouldn’t do that to you. I didn’t even really want to share to Nabulungi at first, but she approached me.”

“Why did you stop talking to her?” Connor asked.

“I don’t know really,” Kevin said. “I think I maybe felt like it was too much of a burden on her for us both to use her as our only confidant. And it also kind of sucked that she couldn’t really give any opinions or anything because she was talking to both of us and couldn’t share anything too personal.”

“She’s been really worried about you,” Connor said. “I know it’s been a lot, and she’s absolutely hated keeping it from Arnold, but she wants to be helpful.”

“She’s amazing, isn’t she?” Kevin said with a smile.

“She really is,” Connor replied.

“But, um, someone else has figured things out,” Kevin continued nervously, “and I kind of had no choice but to confirm what’s been going on.”

“What? Who?”

“The general,” Kevin mumbled.

“THE GENERAL?” Connor panicked, “Oh my gosh, I’m going to be executed.”

“Connor, calm down,” Kevin said. “The gener…”

“Calm down?” Connor interrupted. “CALM DOWN? Homosexuality is illegal in Uganda, if you weren’t aware Kevin.”

“I am aware of that,” Kevin interjected, “But we have nothing to worry about from the general.”

“How can you be so sure?” Connor asked.

“Because he approached me after you left the schoolyard, not asking, just stating that you were in love with me. And even before I could answer one way or another, he said that if Arnold says that being gay is okay, then he says that being gay is okay.”

“And you actually believe him?” Connor scoffed.

“I do,” Kevin said. “Once we moved past reminiscing about the things he’s done to me,” he said sarcastically, “he was actually really supportive.”

“Really?” Connor asked with skeptical optimism. “You’re sure?”

“I am. We won’t have any problems from him. And if the general is okay with it, then you know nobody else will express any issues.”

Connor breathed out a sigh of relief. “Wait, you keep saying ‘we’.”

Kevin tensed and began wringing his hands. “Um, yeah. Apparently the general is very observant and insisted that I’m in love with you.”

Kevin held his breath and Connor began laughing. Kevin looked at him and saw that the other boy was becoming hysterical, tears running from his eyes through his laughter.

“Connor?” When the boy kept laughing, Kevin gently shook him. “Connor!”

Connor’s laughter slowly died down and he wiped his eyes. “Oh, I’m sorry. But seriously!” Then he looked at Kevin. “Why aren’t you laughing?”

Kevin looked away and replied softly. “Because I’m not 100% sure he’s wrong.”

Connor gaped. “Kevin…” he had a warning look in his eye, “don’t do this. Don’t say things like that to me. You can’t…”

“The general forced me to think about things,” Kevin interrupted. “Like actually forced me by threatening to shoot me. And some things he said make sense! Like how I haven’t written to Sariah in almost a month and didn’t even realize it. How I’m always observing you and longing for your company. How losing you from my life hit me so hard after only knowing you for two months. I love Arnold and he’s my best friend, but I don’t think I’d be in this kind of shape if I lost him.

“And I couldn’t understand why losing you was affecting me so much. Why it was so hard. Why was I so upset that I could see you but not be with you? It just made no sense to me. And the general said that it was because I love you. And told me to think about it. So I did.

“I thought about things I used to do with Sariah. Coupley things like going on dates, holding hands, making out, fooling around a little bit…”

Connor shifted in his seat, uncomfortable hearing the boy he loved talk about his relationship with someone else.

Kevin continued. “And yeah, those things were amazing, but I don’t miss doing them with her. And then I thought about doing those things with you, and it made me happy!”

Connor just looked at Kevin, still uncertain, and hugged his knees to his chest in a subconscious state of self-protection.

“Connor?” Kevin prompted as the boy didn’t reply.

“I… I don’t know what to say,” Connor said.

“Say something, anything!”

“In the past year I’ve come to acknowledge that I’m gay,” Connor finally said. “I’m still not fully okay with it, and in a way, I think keeping you at a distance helped keep me from really accepting that part of me. That I could be in love with you, but that I didn’t have to accept that part of me. And now you’re telling me… what exactly are you telling me? How do you actually feel about me?”

“I think I might love you?”

“You think, or you do?” Connor asked.

“I don’t know,” Kevin replied, honestly. “I’ve never thought about boys in that way, and I’m not gay. But then there’s you. I knew I loved you as my friend, but then the general made me think about things, and then I overheard you telling Nabulungi that you want to leave, and I just can’t handle that.”

“So you’re telling me that you might love me to try to get me to stay?” Connor asked, upset.

“NO! God, no. You know that I wouldn’t lie about something like this. But hearing you say you might leave kind of made me panic, and that, paired with the coupley stuff kind of made me realize the general might not be completely crazy.”

Connor let out a humorless snort. “So romantic.”

Kevin let out an exasperated sigh. “Connor, I don’t know how to do this! I’m not even fully sure myself of what I’m feeling, so I can’t really express it! I just know that losing you from my life has affected me more than normal, and that I’ve longed to be around you for months. I don’t know what I’d do without you, and yes, I can picture us doing _things_ together. I don’t really understand what it all means yet. I just can’t be without you in my life! I need you!” 

And anything else he was going to say was cut off when Connor kissed him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I’m not sure if I’m fully happy with how this turned out. It came out with them being much more calm than I expected. But there’s still a LOT for them to sort out.
> 
> Don’t worry – they still aren’t going to be magically holding hands and making out under the stars. Connor still doesn't fully accept himself and Kevin still has a LOT to figure out. And he still has a girlfriend (who he still cares about).
> 
> I deal with depression and anxiety and go through bouts of huge lack of motivation. One of the major contributing factors to my mood is my job - I'm a teacher and the school year here starts up on Tuesday. 
> 
> So I don't know when the next chapter will be up, though it's partially written. But it WILL HAPPEN!!


	9. Where Do We Go From Here?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the kiss...

Connor didn’t know what he was thinking when he kissed Kevin.

Oh, he knew that he’d wanted to kiss the other boy for a year, but what made him do it at that exact moment?

They were both incredibly confused. Connor at least knew that he was gay and he was in love with Kevin. He knew those things even though he hadn’t completely accepted that side of himself yet. 

But if he was struggling, he couldn’t imagine how difficult things were for Kevin. Kevin who had never even had romantic thoughts for a boy before. Kevin who was practically engaged to a woman he loved. Kevin who might just be in love with him.

It wasn’t that what Kevin was saying was romantic. Saying that ‘the general might not be completely crazy’ for thinking he was in love with Connor – that wasn’t the declaration of love someone wanted to hear. He wasn’t prompted to kiss the other boy because he was swept up in an idyllic moment.

He didn’t kiss Kevin to shut him up either. For someone as confused as Kevin was, it wouldn’t be the best course of action to just throw this into the mix. At least Connor _knew_ that he was gay. Kevin wasn’t. 

For whatever reason Connor kissed him, Kevin was even more startled than him. He let out a sound almost like a squeak as Connor’s lips met his, and was frozen as Connor’s lips first moved.

But then he responded. Connor didn’t know what to expect, but he never realistically imagined he’d ever feel Kevin Price’s lips moving against his own. Or feel Kevin Price rest his hand on the back of his neck, gently moving his fingers through the hair at his nape. He never thought he’d get to run his own fingers through the other boy’s perfect hair as their lips danced together, though he’d dreamed of doing so thousands of times.

The kiss was relatively chaste – no tongues or teeth involved, just lips, and it couldn’t have lasted more than ten seconds, but for Connor it made things perfectly clear.

He was still just as in love with Kevin as he was before the kiss, but he knew that leaving Uganda was pointless. He would never get the other boy out of his head. Whether Kevin figured out that he did actually love Connor or didn’t, Connor knew that this was who he was.

For his part, Kevin was extremely surprised when Connor kissed him.

He was making a mess of everything he was trying to say to Connor, though he figured there was no eloquent way to say “I think I love you, but I’m not gay and am not attracted guys, but for some reason I feel that way about you, even though it doesn’t make sense.”

Not exactly the kind of thing that makes someone kiss you. So he was very surprised to find the other boy’s lips on his.

But he quickly realized that he liked it.

Connor’s kiss was stronger than Sariah’s or the other girls he’d kissed, even though he was somewhat tentative, unsure of how Kevin would react. But his lips were very soft, inviting, and enjoyable.

So Kevin kissed him back. And found himself moving his hand to Connor’s neck, threading his fingers through the short hairs he found there. And he loved the feelings he felt when Connor moved his hand through Kevin’s own hair.

Their lips moved together with an ease that Kevin had never felt from a first kiss, and he felt the happiness he’d imagined when thinking of this moment on his walk home.

When they separated, they looked in each other’s eyes before the awkwardness set in, both realizing their hands were still in the other’s hair. They uncomfortably moved their hands back to their own laps then looked away from each other.

“Umm…” Connor started, “I don’t know why I did that.” When Kevin looked up at him, Connor smiled nervously, “I mean, I know why I did that – I’ve wanted to kiss you for a year, but I don’t know what made me kiss you at this time. And without your permission.” He gasped, “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry! Here you are frustrated and seriously confused and I just go and force myself on you. I’m so sorry!” Connor worked himself into a panic.

“Connor,” Kevin said, “Hey!” He practically shouted as the other boy was almost hyperventilating. 

“Connor, it’s okay. I mean I wasn’t expecting it, but I didn’t exactly shove you away.” When Connor didn’t reply, Kevin continued. “I, um, I kind of… liked it?”

“What?”

Kevin nervously ran his hand through his hair. “I liked it. I liked kissing you.”

“Really?” Connor asked, a hesitant smile on his face. “You’re not just saying that?”

“Really,” Kevin chuckled at Connor’s incredulity. “You’re a really good kisser.”

Connor’s smile fell. “So you enjoyed my technique,” he said flatly.

“What?” Kevin was confused at the change in mood. “Well yeah, you’re a good kisser.” He then realized why Connor looked dejected and added genuinely, “But it was _you_! I enjoyed kissing _you_.”

“Oh.” Connor didn’t smile again but didn’t look as disappointed. “So, um, what does this mean?”

“I don’t really know,” Kevin said, honestly. “I mean, it confirms my thoughts that I’d enjoy kissing you, but I’m still really confused.”

“I guess I understand that,” Connor said. “Do you have any idea of how you actually feel about me?”

“I’m still not completely certain,” Kevin admitted softly as he examined his own thoughts, “but I do feel something more than friendship. I know that now for sure.”

“So where do we go from here?” Connor asked. “What happens now?”

“I don’t really know,” Kevin said. “I’m still really confused and have a lot to think through. I mean, until an hour ago I never even fathomed ever having feelings for another man. It’s a lot.”

“I understand,” Connor said. “I’ve had a decade of trying to work through thoughts I never wanted or expected. It’s hard. And really confusing. Plus,” he added regretfully, “there’s still Sariah.”

Kevin nodded. “Yeah. And I don’t want to hurt you, but I do still really care about her, even despite our distance.” 

“I know,” Connor said, flatly.

“I think I just need some time to make sense of things,” Kevin said. “I don’t want to go back to how things have been this last year, but I need to work things out for myself.” He looked at Connor who was staring straight ahead, an unhappy but accepting look on his face. “Can we try to have some sort of friendship while I try to figure things out? I mean, unless you’re still planning on leaving?”

Connor nodded. “There’s not really much point in me leaving. It won’t change things, and it would mean that there would never be any chance of anything happening between us, if you do end up thinking that’s what you’ll want. I’m staying.”

“Oh thank god,” Kevin breathed in relief. “But… friends?”

“Yeah. We can try that, I guess.” Connor said. He was clearly disappointed, but knew he couldn’t hope for Kevin to declare his undying love and for them to ride off into the sunset. 

Connor looked at the hopeful expression on the other boy’s face and gave a sad smile. “I can’t promise anything, though. It’s still going to be really hard for me, especially now that I know you might be developing feelings for me too. But maybe we can take our friendship slowly?”

Kevin smiled, tears of relief burning his eyes. “Thank you. I know it won’t be the same as it was before, and it will be really awkward for both of us, but thank you for giving me my friend back, at least a little bit.”

Connor smiled back stiffly, tears of his own forming, though his were a mixture of both relief at having Kevin back in his life and despair at knowing he still couldn’t act on his feelings for the other boy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've got a little bit of the next chapter written, but I'm completely zapped of motivation and energy (it's rare that I can keep myself awake past 8pm these days), so I'm not sure when it will be up. Hopefully within the next week or two.


	10. Talking Things Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor turns things off while Kevin shares his thoughts and feelings with Nabulungi.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been meaning to say this, but thank you so much to all the readers, reviewers and kudos-givers! I love seeing people enjoying (or at least tolerating) the mess coming from my brain. You guys are amazing!

After their conversation, Kevin and Connor went their separate ways. Both boys had a lot of thinking to do.

Connor was in his room trying to figure out how to continue on without going insane. Learning that the man he loved might love him too should have filled him with euphoria. But he couldn’t feel that. Instead, it actually made things harder.

Because Kevin didn’t understand his own feelings, if they even really existed. And he was still in a committed relationship with a girl he loved. Even if Kevin did come to realize he wanted to be with Connor, they couldn’t act upon it while he was still with Sariah. 

Connor had no idea how he was supposed to act now. How could he rebuild a friendship with someone when he was supposed to give that person time to sort things out? How could he just be friends with Kevin when he now knew what it was like to kiss the boy? How was he supposed to act like things were ‘normal’? What even was ‘normal’ for them? It certainly wasn’t the two months of carefree friendship they’d had before Connor ruined things. And he didn’t want it to be the ten months of distance and depression they’d experienced since he admitted his feelings.

At least Connor had been clear about taking the friendship slowly. And despite how he had acted immediately upon his arrival in Uganda, Kevin had turned out to be a very understanding person and would be able to respect Connor’s boundaries. So they likely wouldn’t be laughing and goofing around like they had almost a year ago. But maybe they could sit nearer each other at dinner or their evening group social time. Or maybe they could help each other with tasks around the house and the village. He honestly didn’t know how to proceed, but he did know that he still couldn’t comfortably be alone with the other boy.

With these frustrating thoughts running through his head, Connor decided to turn them off for the time being and instead focused on his daily tasks as mission leader.

Kevin, on the other hand, had headed into the village.

He had too many thoughts running through his head, and he needed to sort them out with a sounding board. He couldn’t talk to Connor about his thoughts, since he was the cause of his confusion, so that left the general and Nabulungi as those who were aware of the situation.

One ‘touchy feely’ conversation with the general was more than enough for Kevin, so he sought out Nabulungi and found her in the schoolyard, having taken over Kevin’s earlier task of making a climbing structure for the children.

“Hi Nabulungi,” he said as he approached, before sitting to rest against the tires.

“Elder Price!” She exclaimed, abandoning her task to sit beside him. “How are you? How did your discussion go?”

Kevin didn’t respond immediately. “It was confusing and complicated, but I think it went better than I could have hoped.”

“Do you wish to share?” She asked, concerned for her friend as she saw how confused he looked.

Kevin nodded. “I really need to talk to someone, but I can’t talk to Connor about my thoughts right now, and while the general has figured things out, you’re the only one I can actually talk to about things.”

“The general?” Nabulungi was worried that the general knew about Connor’s homosexuality. “How did… What did…”

“It’s okay,” Kevin said. “He was observant and surprisingly unprejudiced. He is supportive. But he made me think.”

“About what?”

“He thinks that I love Connor. The same way that Connor loves me. And I think he may be right.”

“You’re in love with Elder McKinley?”

“I may be,” Kevin replied. “I honestly don’t really know how I feel.”

“How did this come about?” Nabulungi asked, and Kevin told her all about his conversation with the general.

“I was adamant that he must be wrong. I mean, I love my girlfriend and I’ve never had any kind of feelings for men. But then I just couldn’t help thinking that it might help explain things.”

“Like why it’s been so hard for you to lose Connor from your life?” Nabulungi asked.

“Yeah,” Kevin replied. “And why I couldn’t understand why it was hitting me so hard. I mean, I’ve had friendships end before. Close friendships that had lasted longer than mine with Connor, but I was able to move on without nearly this much pain and struggle.”

“All friendships are different, Kevin,” Nabulungi said, trying to offer a different perspective. “And you shared so much with Connor. So many secrets, fears, hopes… I know you shared with him more than with my Arnold. Arnold may be your best friend, but Connor was your closest friend and confidant.”

“And I think that’s why it was so hard at first,” Kevin said, nodding in agreement. “I went from having the closest friendship I’d ever had, one that was completely open in a way I’d never experienced, to having that ripped away from me with no warning.”

“You say that was why it was so hard at first,” Nabulungi said, trying to get Kevin to voice his thoughts. “You don’t think that is still the reason?”

“I don’t know,” Kevin said. “I thought so. But then the general got me thinking, and I realized that I could picture myself in a relationship with Connor. I could picture us holding hands, cuddling, kissing – and adding all that stuff onto the kind of relationship we had before. Just adding the physical aspect to the emotional part that we’d had.”

“Wow,” Nabulungi said, not knowing how to reply. “I didn’t know you…”

“That’s the thing,” Kevin interjected. “I’m not gay. I don’t have thoughts like that about men. I never have. But with Connor, once I let myself think about it, it just sort of made sense.”

“I honestly don’t really know how to reply,” Nabulungi said, shaking her head in disbelief. “The possibility of your liking Connor back never even crossed my mind. I never even considered that as a reason you were struggling so much.”

Kevin chuckled humorously. “It’s kind of funny that of all people it’s the general who gave that as a possibility. But what do you think about it now?”

“I’m still trying to wrap my head around it. But kind of like you said, now that I’m thinking about it, it doesn’t sound completely insane.”

“I know, right?” Kevin asked with a dry smile. “But just because me being in love with Connor isn’t insane, that doesn’t mean it’s true. I mean, I’ve known all along that I loved Connor as my closest friend. Kind of how I love you and Arnold, but I’m not _in love_ with you guys. Am I really in love with him?”

“Can you picture doing physical stuff with me or Arnold?” Nabulungi asked, sardonically.

Kevin laughed as he let out an overdramatic shudder. “Heavenly father, no!” 

Nabulungi gasped in mock offense and shoved Kevin’s shoulder playfully. “He kissed me,” Kevin confessed softly.

“What?” Nabulungi asked, shocked and intrigued. “When? Why?”

“It was after I told him everything I told you about the general and my confusion. I have no idea why though. It’s not like I was being romantic.”

“How was it?” Nabulungi asked with a grin.

“Amazing,” Kevin replied with a wistful smile. “Once I got past my shock, it was so natural. Like no other first kiss I’ve ever had.”

“So there’s one thing that kind of proves you might like Connor,” Nabulungi said.

“The kiss sort of shows that I physically like him as more than friends. But I don’t know if that means I’m in love with him. I mean, a lot of people do physical stuff without any deep feelings involved. Most people have sex with multiple people in their lifetimes. Some have one night stands. That doesn’t mean they’re in love.”

“True,” Nabulungi replied, “But you already said that you love Connor as a friend. Isn’t a strong friendship an important part of a relationship?”

“Yeah,” Kevin agreed, “but people can also be physical with friends they love without it having to be something more.”

“That’s true as well,” Nabulungi concurred. “But you said earlier that you think the general was right about you being in love with Connor.”

“I know,” Kevin sighed, rubbing his temples. “But believing it’s possible doesn’t give enough confirmation. I don’t know for certain how I feel. I love him, but am I in love with him or do I just crave having him in my life?”

“I can’t answer that for you,” Nabulungi said. “I wish I could, but I can’t.”

“What do you think, though?” Kevin asked. “I’ll take any opinion or thoughts you can give!”

“Honestly, I’m kind of thinking exactly as you are. Now that it’s brought to my attention, it makes sense. It’s like ‘oh, of course Kevin loves Connor too.’ But just because it makes sense, doesn’t mean it’s true. I think that’s something only you can work out for yourself, maybe once you boys start to get to know each other again.”

Kevin groaned, “I know.”

“One question though. You said you can picture a relationship with Connor. How does that compare to your relationship with Sariah before you left for your missions?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, the happiness. The emotional part. The physical part. Were you and Sariah intimate?”

“Not really,” Kevin admitted, shaking his head. “Chastity until marriage. Though I did get to touch under her bra once.”

Nabulungi laughed good-naturedly at Kevin’s physical innocence. “Okay, I want you to close your eyes for me.” Kevin raised his eyebrows at her but acquiesced.

“Think back to when Sariah let you touch her breasts,” Nabulungi instructed. Upon seeing a grin appear on Kevin’s face she continued. “How did you feel?”

“It was amazing,” Kevin said. “I’d only ever grazed her before when our make-outs got pretty heavy, because we’d always vowed to stay chaste. But to actually touch them and see them,” his smile grew, “it was fantastic.”

“Would you want to do it again?” Nabulungi asked.

“Absolutely,” Kevin replied immediately.

“Okay,” Nabulungi continued. “Now Sariah is no longer in the picture. You and Connor have decided to embark on a relationship. You’re making out with him.” Kevin’s breath hitched as he imagined kissing Connor on the couch again, this time with more passion, their breathing heavy. 

“And now his shirt is off and you’re touching his bare chest.” Kevin’s groaned softly as he imagined running his hands across the hard planes of Connor’s masculine, yet still soft chest.

“Is that something you want to do?” Nabulungi asked, similarly to her questions about Sariah.

“Yes,” Kevin breathed out.

“Okay,” Nabulungi said. “Now imagine your future. It’s five years after your mission. What do you see?”

Kevin instantly pictured himself and Sariah, a small blond boy between them, each holding one of his hands as they walked down the street, laughing as they swung their child.

“I see me, Sariah and our son. We’re really happy,” he smiled at the image.

“Can you picture Connor in her place?”

Kevin easily swapped out Sariah in the image and pictured himself and Connor smiling and holding hands as they walked down the street, the other boy holding a leash for their pet dog who Kevin had named ‘Pongo’, as Connor teased that they would not be naming their children after Disney characters.

“Yes,” Kevin breathed, tears forming behind his eyelids, confusion running rampant through him.

“Oh sweetie,” Nabulungi whispered as she pulled him into a hug.

“I just don’t understand!” Kevin cried into her shoulder. “I don’t know what to do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Kevin!!
> 
> Nothing written yet for chapter 11, but hopefully within the next week or two.


	11. Views from the Outside

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The other elders aren’t as oblivious as Connor and Kevin might think…  
> 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter was not at all what I had thought would be happening, but somehow an overview of the POV of the other elders just spewed out of me. And much more quickly than expected.
> 
> The large italicized chunk in the middle is flashbacks.

After his talk with Nabulungi, Kevin took some time to calm himself before making his way back to the mission hut.

_‘Just turn it off, Kevin. Pretend that everything is okay. Pretend that you’re not having an emotional crisis. Pretend that everything you’ve always known is still true. Pretend that nothing is completely mixed up in your brain. Turn it off.’_

The kitchen was just off the entry of the house, so before he could even get fully inside the hut, Kevin was greeted with the sight of Connor and Poptarts preparing dinner. He felt a familiar pang as he saw how effortlessly the two boys interacted with each other, smiling as they worked in tandem to prepare the meal, which smelled like a local stew that was favoured by most of the elders. 

Leaning against a protrusion in the wall, ensuring he wouldn’t be seen from the kitchen, Kevin allowed himself to observe this almost relaxed version of Connor. He had seen glimpses of this side of the boy in the last ten months, but he would always tense when he would come to notice Kevin. Hidden from view, this was the longest he had been able to see the other boy smiling and talking comfortably.

_‘I want that,’_ Kevin thought to himself.

As he watched the other boy in this environment, Kevin tried to take in what he saw. Connor’s cheeks were flushed from the heat of the stove, and his reddish hair was slightly mussed. His bright blue eyes were shining in mirth that matched the smile on his face as he joked with his companion.

Now that he had allowed himself to realize an attraction to the other boy might exist, Kevin couldn’t help himself from thinking how beautiful Connor looked like this. _‘Why did I never notice that Connor is so good looking?’_ Kevin thought to himself. _‘Even objectively, he’s really attractive. But now it’s all that I can see!’_

“Hey buddy! Whatcha doin’?”

Kevin was startled as he heard Arnold’s loud voice beside him, his usual open grin wide on his face.

“Oh, hey Arnold,” Kevin said with a smile. Ever since he and Arnold had become best friends, Kevin could never keep himself from grinning at his friend’s natural exuberance and joy. “Just trying to gather up some energy,” he answered Arnold’s question with a not-completely-a-lie response.

Arnold nodded, reluctantly accepting Kevin’s answer, since the boy did look exhausted was leaning against the wall after all. He took his friend’s hand, pulling him towards their bedroom as Kevin took one last glance towards the kitchen and saw Connor looking back at him, Arnold’s voice having alerted him to the boy’s presence. Kevin felt an ache seeing the happiness from earlier gone from Connor’s face.

As Arnold filled Kevin in on his day, Connor and Poptarts finished preparing the stew. It took him a moment to regroup after seeing Kevin looking at him sadly with those big brown eyes.

“Everything okay, Connor?” Poptarts asked as he took the bowls out of the cupboard.

“Huh?” Connor shook himself out of his reverie. “Oh, yeah. I’m just great.”

Poptarts looked at him with too much curiosity and knowledge for Connor’s liking. “I’ll trust you not to lie to me, because even though we’re not technically Mormons anymore, I know we still tell the truth. But just know that you can tell me anything. No matter what it is, I’m here for you, and I will keep your confidence.”

Connor gaped back at the other elder for a moment before pasting his ‘turn it off’ smile on his face. “Thank you for that, however it is not necessary. As I said, I’m fine.”

Poptarts just raised his eyebrows, showing his disbelief, before turning to the interior of the house and shouting “DINNER!”

There were no assigned seats at the dinner table, though the elders usually sat in the same spots. Occasionally some of the elders would switch seats to share a story with one of their friends, but since their discussion ten months ago, Connor and Kevin had never once moved from their regular seats. Despite wanting to work on his friendship with Connor, Kevin was still feeling raw from their conversation and discussion with Nabulungi, so he sat in his normal seat that evening, which was next to Arnold who sat at the head of the table.

Connor, however, took a deep breath and sat on Kevin’s other side, where Schrader usually sat. Neither boy noticed the other elders of the house looking at each other in shock and confusion at this change in the routine.

***  
_“Hey, have you noticed anything odd with McKinley and Price lately?” Michaels asked Church about three months after Price and Cunningham arrived in Uganda._

_“I have, actually,” Church replied. “Ever since Price was concerned about McKinley’s behaviour, I’ve noticed they haven’t been spending any time together. It’s like they’re avoiding each other.”_

_“I thought so too,” Michaels said. “It kind of seems like they might have had a huge argument or something. They were together all the time and now they barely even look at each other. And they never sit near each other at dinner anymore.”_

_“Should we see if Poptarts or Arnold know anything?”_

_“Let’s just see what happens for now.”_

_***  
“It’s gotten even worse,” Church was saying to Poptarts two months later, as he and Michaels were sharing what they’d noticed._

_“I’ve noticed it too. Especially at night,” Poptarts said. “Remember how Connor always used to rush to comfort Kevin after his panic attacks and nightmares? Now he just stays in his bed. I’ve actually heard him crying when he doesn’t go help Kevin. I’ve heard him scream into his pillow too. It’s like he’s forcing himself to avoid him.”_

_“Do you have any idea what happened?” Michaels asked._

_“No,” Poptarts said. “At least, not conclusively. I sometimes hear him whispering ‘turn it off’ to himself, and I think his Hell Dreams have gotten worse, but he won’t talk about anything.”_

_“Do you think Kevin did something to upset him?” Church asked._

_“I have no idea,” Poptarts said, “But I don’t think so. Whenever he looks at him, Kevin seems to have those sad puppy dog eyes.”_

_“As horrible as it seems to be going for McKinley, I think things might be even worse for Price,” Michaels said. “He seems like a completely different person ever since whatever happened happened. Do you think Arnold knows what’s going on?”_

_“I have no idea,” Poptarts replied._

_***  
“He won’t talk to me,” Arnold said, three months later. “I keep trying to get him to open up, and he shares about everything else, but when I ask him about Connor he just clams up and asks why I’m asking, says that everything is great between them.”_

_“You don’t believe him, do you?” Poptarts asked._

_“Of course not,” Arnold said. “But it’s not like I can force him to talk to me. Oooh, do you think Gotswana can get sodium pentathol for us? Maybe we can slip some truth serum into Kevin’s coffee!”_

_Michaels rolled his eyes, “Unlikely, Cunningham.”_

_Arnold looked dejected. “I think something big happened between them. Kevin’s depressed, guys. Like actually really depressed.”_

_“Connor’s not doing so great either,” Poptarts said._

_“I know, but I mean I overheard Kevin and Gotswana talking one day about actual clinical depression. It’s bad.”_

_“Do you think Connor did something to Kevin? He doesn’t seem like he’d ever want to intentionally hurt anybody. Not even a fly!” Church said._

_“I don’t think Connor wanted to hurt Kevin,” Arnold said, “But I think he did. Kevin’s really struggling, you guys.”_

_“And you have no idea what happened?” Michaels asked._

_“I kind of have a guess, but I don’t know for sure,” Arnold said. The others looked at him expectantly so he continued. “I think Connor is having gay thoughts for Kevin and maybe confessed to him.”_

_The other boys were startled at Arnold’s assumption, but then took a moment to think it over._

_“So do you think Kevin thinks Connor ruined their friendship by having feelings for him?” Poptarts asked._

_“But then why would Kevin be so sad if he ended their friendship because of Connor’s feelings?” Church asked._

_“Maybe he regrets it?” Michaels proposed. “But doesn’t know how to make things better?”_

_“I think Necromancer knows what’s going on,” Arnold said. “She gets a bit weird whenever their names are brought up together.”_

_“Can’t you ask her what’s happening? I mean, it’s not healthy for them, or good for the mission house for two of our elders to be fighting and depressed,” Michaels said._

_Arnold shook his head, “I tried to bring their names up once, but Nunavut told me to let things be and then distracted me with her feminine wiles.”_

_Poptarts shook his head, “please don’t talk about you and Nabulungi and her feminine wiles.”_

_***  
“So I think your theory about Kevin and Connor is right,” Church said to Arnold the next month._

_“Oh yeah?” Arnold asked, hopeful for some answers._

_“I overheard the general talking to one of his cronies after stealing our mail, saying how Kevin is barely writing his girlfriend anymore and how the letters are about absolutely nothing. All ‘oh, it’s so hot here in Uganda all the time’ and ‘Davis was chased by a lizard today.’”_

_“Okay, so how does that prove my theory?” Arnold asked._

_“Because then the general laughed and asked ‘When’s that stupid white boy going to realize he loves the pasty one back?’”_

_“Wait, the general knows that Connor is gay?” Arnold asked, jumping up in shock. “We have to warn him! We have to do something!”_

_“I’m scared of the general too, but do you think he’d be sitting around joking about it if he was going to do something about it?”_

_“Can we really take that risk?”_

_“Connor obviously doesn’t want any of us knowing he’s gay, even though we all already know. And they obviously don’t want us knowing what’s going on with them. Though I don’t know why. We could help them!”_

_“I followed Price today,” Michaels announced as he walked into the mission hut._

_“Why would you do that?” Church asked._

_“He’s always wandering off to Eebowai knows where, so I wanted to see what he was doing.”_

_“And?”_

_He just walked a mile or so to the middle of nowhere and started screaming at the top of his lungs, and then he started crying. And I kept hearing him saying McKinley’s name and ‘please’. Guys, whatever McKinley did to him, whether it’s something really bad or just wanting to bone him, Price is seriously in bad shape.”_

_“Should we approach them?” Church asked, as Poptarts entered the room._

_“I still keep trying to get Connor to open up,” Poptarts said, “but it’s a no go. He just says everything is fine then goes to do work. Or changes the subject. I think they think they’re helping us by keeping us out of it, and I think they think they’re fooling us.”_

_“Do you think any of the others have noticed anything?” Arnold asked._

_“Oh, totally,” Michaels confirmed._

***  
The elders were all shocked to see Connor move to sit next to Kevin, his uncertainty and nerves visible.

“What’s going on?” Church mouthed to Poptarts, who raised his eyebrows to Michaels, who looked at Arnold, who just shrugged. They all turned to stare at the two boys, straining to hear what was being said.

“Hi,” Connor said softly to Kevin as he sat beside him, placing a bowl of stew in front of himself and the other boy.

“Hey,” Kevin replied, just as quietly, not looking at the boy beside him.

“How… um… how was your afternoon?” Connor asked.

“Not so great,” Kevin whispered. “Nabulungi tried to help make sense of things. It just kind of made me more confused.”

“I’m sorry,” Connor murmured back.

Kevin shrugged almost imperceptively. “It is what it is. It’s not really your fault.”

“It kind of is, though,” Connor whispered sadly. “You wouldn’t be going through this if it weren’t for me.”

“Okay,” Michaels suddenly shouted, startling everyone. “What the heck has been going on with the two of you?”

Kevin and Connor tensed as they seemed to suddenly realize all the other elders were in the room with them.

“You guys have been tiptoeing around each other for months, and it’s been putting us all on edge,” Neeley said. “I think we deserve to know what’s going on, since whatever it is has been seriously affecting all of us in the house.”

Connor and Kevin looked at the elders and then at each other in panic. Connor’s eyes widened in fear at Kevin, who shook his head. After looking at Kevin for a moment, Connor closed his eyes to steel himself as he took a deep breath, preparing to speak.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this almost seemed like a break in the regular programming, but even though they're teenage/early 20s boys, it's highly unlikely that none of the elders (especially the companions) noticed anything was amiss. At least I didn't make the boys shed any new tears this chapter! And a baby step was taken (Connor sitting next to Kevin). PROGRESS!
> 
> I have no idea what's going to happen next lol.


	12. Elders United

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The elders get filled in, and Arnold is crushed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been working on this chapter on and off ever since I posted the last one, and nothing has seemed right. I still don't really like it, but things need to move forward, and hopefully I can kick things up a bit next chapter. It's not as introspective as the previous chapters, which seems odd in comparison.

Connor had been proud of himself for taking the initiative to sit next to Kevin at dinner. It was a small step in the right direction to repairing their friendship.

He did hate hearing that speaking to Nabulungi had made Kevin feel even more confused, but was still grateful to hear that Kevin didn’t blame him for his dilemma (even though, to be honest, Connor truly felt he was the cause of it).

He had been so focused on Kevin that he had forgotten that they weren’t alone until Michaels shouted, asking what was going on with them.

“You guys have been tiptoeing around each other for months, and it’s been putting us all on edge,” Neeley then said. “I think we deserve to know what’s going on, since whatever it is has been seriously affecting all of us in the house.”

Startled, Connor looked at Kevin, whose eyes were widened in panic. He took a quick look at the other elders and suddenly felt a wave of exhaustion overcome him.

For a decade, Connor had been fighting who he truly was, and had been afraid to let people really know the real him. Now that he had finally accepted who he was, even though he still didn’t like it, he was tired of the lies. 

Connor looked back at Kevin, seeing the fear still evident, and closed his eyes, taking a deep breath.

“I’m gay,” he said.

He opened his eyes and saw his friends looking at him. “I’m tired of pretending to be something I’m not,” he continued. 

“Um, no offense,” Arnold said, “But we all kind of figured that out already.”

“How?”

“Well the tap dancing, and the sparkly vests, and the stories about your crush on your friend, and the talk of turning it off kind of gave it away.”

Connor chuckled humorously, and looked away, “I guess I wasn’t as good at turning it off as I thought.”

“We all still love you,” Church said. “You being gay doesn’t change that you’re our friend.”

Connor looked up and saw the support in his friends faces, and smiled genuinely. “Thanks, you guys.”

“But that doesn’t explain whatever’s going on with you two,” Michaels said, nodding towards Kevin.

Connor looked back at Kevin who was sitting quietly and avoiding eye contact, instead playing with his napkin.

“Um,” Connor took another deep breath and kept his eyes on the table, “pretty quickly after the incident with the mission president, I kind of started to develop a bit of a crush on Kevin.

“I knew he’d never feel the same for me, and the crush kept getting bigger and bigger, so I started to avoid him.”

“That’s when you talked to us, right? When you were worried Connor was overworking himself?” Poptarts asked Kevin, who just nodded.

“Yeah,” Connor continued, “And after that talk Kevin approached me about avoiding him. He thought he’d done something wrong. So I told him I had feelings for him and was avoiding him to try to protect myself.”

“So Kevin didn’t do anything wrong?” Arnold asked.

“No,” Connor replied instantly. “And though he was confused, he was great to me. But I told him it was too hard to be around him, so I asked him to give me space.”

“I didn’t want to,” Kevin finally spoke, quietly. “You guys all saw how close we were. Connor was my closest friend. After Arnold, of course” he added, giving a small smile to his best friend. “And Connor’s feelings didn’t change anything for me. I still saw him as my closest friend. But I had to respect him, so I agreed to leave him alone. And I wasn’t going to discuss Connor’s confessions with anyone, so I kept what he’d told me secret.”

“Wait,” Church said, “so Connor, you made this huge confession to Kevin, who then basically had to give up his closest friendship to make things easier for you?”

“Um, basically,” Connor admitted, cheeks turning red.

“This is going to sound harsh, but holy shit, Connor! After everything Kevin’s been through in his time here, you took away the person he felt safest with?”

“Hey,” Kevin interjected, seeing Connor look away in guilt. “Connor did what he thought was best for him. I didn’t like it, and I’m not going to lie; the last ten months have been absolutely horrible. But Connor didn’t set out to hurt me. We’re all 20 years old. We don’t know how to deal with this kind of shit. Yes, I’ve had some rough times here, but Connor has been having a rough time since he was ten, and going through all this has helped him to finally start to accept himself. I’ve hated not having him in my life, but if it’s helped him in any way, it’s worth it.”

“But has it really helped him?” Schraeder asked Kevin. “He’s been just as miserable as you have for this whole time.”

“Please don’t talk about me like I’m not here,” Connor said, tears of frustration forming in his eyes. “Yes. I’ve been miserable. I fell in love with a boy, and removed him from my life. I saw how he was struggling. I was trying to sort out my sexuality at the same time. I may now accept the fact that I’m gay, but I’m still struggling with that fact. I know that I’m the cause of everything that’s happening, and I’m sorry for that. And Kevin knows how sorry I am for what I’ve caused. But like he said, I’m 20 years old, coming to terms with my sexuality, and forced to be around the person I have feelings for. Feelings that aren’t mutual.”

Connor looked at Kevin who looked back at him with a look of confusion and pain. He took a deep breath before continuing calmly.

“We finally talked today. Really talked, for the first time since I confessed my feelings. We talked about how unhappy we both are, and how space has not helped the situation at all, but has instead made things worse for both of us. My feelings are still there, but we’ve agreed to try to take things slowly in rebuilding our friendship. Me sitting beside Kevin at dinner tonight was supposed to be the first step, but instead it’s now turned into this huge thing.”

“I’m sorry we ruined your friendship building,” Neeley said, “but your issues have caused tension through the whole house. We’ve all noticed, but were either brushed off when we asked how you were, or we didn’t know how to approach you.”

“I’m sorry,” Kevin said. “I thought we were doing a better job of hiding our issues.”

“I think if we hadn’t seen how close you were at the start, it probably wouldn’t have been so noticeable,” Church said. “You guys went from always sitting together, laughing and joking, to just greeting each other, and exchanging common pleasantries.”

“Why didn’t you talk to me?” Arnold quietly asked his best friend. “I could have tried to help you. I could have been there for you.”

“I know, Buddy,” Kevin said, resting his hand on Arnold’s shoulder. “And I wanted to, so many times. But Connor’s sexuality and confessions weren’t my secrets to tell. And for me to open up to you, I would have had to betray Connor. And as much as his choices unintentionally hurt me, I wasn’t going to do that to him.”

“So you guys had nobody this whole time?” Michaels asked.

“Um, Nabulungi knows,” Connor said, looking at Arnold and Kevin, whose eyes widened in panic.

“What?” Arnold whispered. “She knows? She’s been lying to me?”

“Arnold…” Kevin started, hand still on Arnold’s shoulder before it was shaken off.

“She knows I’ve been worried about you! I’ve asked her if she had any idea what was going on. If she had any suggestions for how to be there for you. And she lied to me!”

“Arnold, she was trying to be helpful,” Connor insisted.

“By lying to me!” Arnold’s face was starting to crumple.

“By not sharing secrets!”

“Arnold,” Kevin said, wrapping his arms around his friend who had started to cry. “I know she was having a hard time with this. It’s one of the reasons I stopped talking to her once she found out. You know Nabulungi would never try to do anything to hurt you. But Connor is her best friend. She was trying to help him.”

“But I wanted to help my best friend too! And she could have helped me.”

“I know,” Kevin was rubbing soothing circles on Arnold’s back. “But you were more helpful than you know. Things have been really rough for me. But you always make me smile. You’re what’s been making me happy. Even if you didn’t know it, you’ve been keeping me somewhat sane during this whole time.”

“Really?” Arnold pulled away to look at Kevin.

“Really,” Kevin replied with a small smile.

“I’m still angry that she’s been lying to me,” Arnold said.

“I know. But I know she’ll be so relieved to be able to be honest with you now.”

“So what now?” Schraeder asked. “We’re all really happy that you’re talking again, but where do we go from here?”

“It’s not going to be easy,” Connor said. “Too much has happened, and I’ve damaged our friendship really badly.”

“And we’ve both got some big things to figure out,” Kevin said, looking Connor in the eye, both thinking about Kevin’s confused feelings.

“Please don’t expect things to go back to how they were months ago. We’re going to take things slow.”

“And we’ll make sure to support you guys,” Neeley said, as the rest of the boys nodded in agreement.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it seemed like a bit of a recap chapter, but personally I'm glad that the elders all know (almost) everything now. And poor Arnold now has to deal with Nabulungi lying to him for almost a year.  
> I think I have an idea for the next chapter, and hopefully it won't be a month and a half this time.


	13. Dear Sariah

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kevin writes to Sariah, thinks about things, and has a conversation with Connor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What's this? A new chapter within a week?

_Dear Sariah;_

_How are things in Toronto? Have you had many conversions since you last wrote? How have the Canadian winter and spring treated you?_

_Since I last wrote you, I’ve continued to help out at the clinic here. I’ve been diagnosing some illnesses and I actually set a broken leg a few weeks ago. According to Gotswana, it’s healing perfectly. The playground I’m building is starting to come along too. The whole field is cleared now, and I’ve started to build the play structures. I can’t wait to see the look on the children’s faces when it’s ready._

_I miss you._

_I know I’ve been distant in my letters, and I’m sorry. I wish I could explain things clearly, and I’m going to try, but I want you to know that I really am sorry._

_I had a falling out with one of my fellow Elders. A really big one. Elder McKinley was my closest friend here. I know I probably mentioned him a lot in my first few letters. But a few months into our mission, some stuff (that I can’t really get into) happened, and we basically stopped speaking. We’re just now trying to repair our friendship, but it’s definitely going to be an uphill struggle._

_But that’s only one of the reasons I’ve become distant. I don’t know how you’ll react to this, but because I love you, I know I need to be honest with you._

_When my mission is over I’m leaving the Mormon church._

_Too much has happened and my faith has been broken beyond repair. In addition to a destroyed friendship, I’ve witnessed death, murder and been violently attacked by a crazed warlord._

_I’ve learned that preaching doesn’t really help in those times. Prayer is nice, but it doesn’t actually solve anything. The people here have much bigger problems than not knowing about Joseph Smith and Moroni. They are living in poverty, attacked by warlords, and are dealing with horrible illnesses. And they’re the best people I’ve ever met. They’re crude, but they are more kind and considerate than anyone I’ve ever known._

_Elder Cunningham caused a bit of chaos early in our mission, which led to us making some hard choices. And what we realized is that we can help people more by actually_ helping _them._

_So instead of spending our days proselytizing, we spend our days helping out around the village. Doing repairs, digging wells, teaching things other than religion, providing arts education, and my work with the hospital is part of this assistance._

_And I feel more blessed now than I ever did when I was ‘Super Mormon Kevin Price’._

_I’ve also come to realize that if God was so great, He wouldn’t let such bad things happen to such amazing people. Why would so many of His best people be cursed with a virus from which they won’t recover? Why would they struggle to have enough food to eat?_

_Why would He force me to lose my best friend? Why would He allow me to be attacked by a warlord, and then be forced to spend time in my attacker’s company?_

_I know you will try to tell me that prayer and the Book will help guide me, but from experience, I know that they won’t. We still talk about the Church with the locals, but it’s not the only driving force of our mission._

_So I am leaving the Church, and I won’t be attending BYU when I get back._

_I don’t want you to think that this letter is me wanting to end things with you because of our differences in beliefs, and that my choices are an explanation for that._

_I’m really confused right now. Not about my decision to leave the Church, but everything that’s been happening has kind of rocked my life._

_One thing I’m sure of though, is that I still want you in my life._

_But do you still love me? Do you still want to be with me, even though I will never again be Mormon? Even though we’ll live our lives with vast differences in our beliefs? Even though I’m not the same person I was when we parted for our missions?_

_I miss you._

_Kevin_

Kevin sighed as he wrote Sariah’s name and Toronto address on an envelope, placing the letter inside.

Despite everything going on, he did still love her, and knew that she deserved some sort of explanation for his distance. And she also deserved his honesty. Or as much as he was able to give at this time.

He did not want to break up, but he knew it was a possibility that she might. Sariah was incredibly devout. If Kevin was the ‘Super Mormon’ of his class, she was his female equivalent. And she might choose not to be with someone who would never again share her beliefs.

And she deserved to have that option.

But Kevin couldn’t be completely honest with her. He couldn’t admit that he was having a potential crisis of sexuality. That he might be in love with his male mission leader. That he’d kissed said mission leader, and had enjoyed it. That he wanted to kiss him again.

Kevin laid back on his bed and curled into himself. After the big conversation at dinner, an awkwardness had settled over the house, so everyone spread out to do their own things. Connor and Kevin had shared a small smile before retreating to their rooms. Arnold had headed into the village to talk to Nabulungi.

Kevin didn’t want to be alone. But yet he also did.

It felt like a huge weight had been lifted from his shoulders, now that almost everything was out in the open. He and Connor didn’t have to try to hide their conflict anymore, though thankfully neither of them had shared Kevin’s newfound sexual confusion with anybody.

He shouldn’t have been so surprised that everyone was so understanding of what they’d been going through. Why had they not considered that they could be open with their friends?

But the newly resolved secrecy was only one of Kevin’s issues. He now had to try to sort out his own feelings for another boy.

Many in his Church had believed that homosexuality was an abomination. Kevin had always been taught that God didn’t make mistakes, so to him, if someone was gay, that was God’s plan. The person just shouldn’t act on it, so that they could live a proper life and raise children.

But Kevin had never knowingly met a gay person before Connor, who was one of the best people he knew. And not acting on his gay thoughts, and being told those thoughts were wrong had basically broken the boy.

And now Kevin was beginning to have some gay thoughts. And he felt no guilt for his brief moment of acting upon them in his earlier kiss with Connor. So at least one thing he knew was that he didn’t think homosexuality was completely wrong. His feelings wouldn’t be motivated by whether or not having feelings for Connor was a sin.

Kevin’s thoughts were interrupted by a soft knock on his bedroom door. Getting up to open it, he saw a shy-looking Connor on the other side.

“Can I come in?”

“Of course,” Kevin let the other boy inside before shutting the door behind him. He didn’t truly know the purpose of the visit, but didn’t want anyone listening in on their conversation.

“I’m sorry I didn’t ask you before confessing everything,” Connor said as he sat on Arnold’s bed. “I just couldn’t keep it all in anymore.”

“It’s okay,” Kevin replied, sitting opposite the redhead, on his own bed. “I’m glad there’s no more secrecy. Well, almost none,” he added with a shrug.

“I had a year to figure out my feelings for you before I admitted them to everyone. You’ve had less than a day to try to figure out your own. And you kept my secret for almost a year. I’m not going to share what you’re sorting out with anyone.”

“Thank you,” Kevin replied.

Connor’s eyes wandered around the room and landed on the envelope on Kevin’s bedside table.

“You’re writing Sariah again?” He asked, a mix of emotions running through him.

“Oh, yeah,” he replied, running a nervous hand through his hair. “I figured it was about time I apologized for my distance and tried to explain things. I didn’t mention the reason for our issues, or my own confusion, though. Just some of my loss of faith and decision to leave the church.”

“Why did you decide to tell her all that? Aren’t you worried about her reaction?”

“Well yeah,” Kevin replied, “but she deserves to know the truth. And if she can’t handle my decisions, then she should be free to make decisions for herself.”

“Are you hoping she will make the decision for you?” Connor asked, looking down at his lap.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, if she decides that she’s okay with everything, you’ll probably stay with her. If she decides she can’t be with you, maybe that’ll make you decide to love me.”

“Connor, no!” Kevin exclaimed. “No matter what Sariah has to say about things, I’m going to sort things out for myself. I may be in love with you. But even aside from my feelings for you, I do still love Sariah. I don’t know how those feelings compare though. Do I still love her like I used to? Is my love for you stronger than my love for her, or the other way around?”

Silent tears had started to fall from Connor’s eyes, and Kevin continued. “You know that I don’t want to hurt you, right?” Connor nodded but still wouldn’t make eye contact. “But however things move forward will not be because of Sariah’s response. Even if she decides she can’t be with me, I still might not be with you.”

Connor choked out a sob as Kevin continued. “I’m sorry if it’s not what you want to hear, but it’s the truth! But there’s also the other side. I might be in love with you. And my love for you might be stronger than my love for Sariah.

“I know I’m confusing you right now,” he went on, “and I’m really really sorry for that. I don’t mean to make things worse for you, but I know that I am. I really do care about you, and I do want to kiss you again, but I still don’t know what it all means in the long run.”

“I understand,” Connor whispered. “And I’m not going to pressure you into making a choice, as much as I want you to just easily say that you love me and want to be with me. I’ve had a year to work out my feelings for you, and I made things really hard for you.”

“This isn’t payback for that,” Kevin interjected. “I’m not being wishy washy about my feelings as payback for my suffering.”

“I know,” Connor said. “I know you’re not.”

“I just really want to be sure about things,” Kevin continued. “I don’t want to make a decision one way or the other, and end up making the wrong choice, and hurting someone I really care about even more than I already am.”

“You’re a good person, Kevin Price,” Connor said with a small smile.

“Who’d have thought, right?”

“And for what it’s worth, I really want to kiss you again too.” At this, Kevin slowly started to lean forward, but was stopped by Connor gently placing his hand on his chest before standing. “But I don’t think that it should happen again.”

When Kevin looked at him in confusion, Connor continued. “It’s not really fair to me, as much as I want it. It’s a taste of what I could possibly have, but with no guarantee. And you still have a girlfriend. I know you’re confused, but I also know you’re not a cheater. Before anything else can happen, you need to sort things out for yourself. And I need to be prepared for whatever happens.” 

He headed to the door and left a confused Kevin sitting alone in his bedroom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know when the next chapter will be up, but I'm hoping things (plot-wise) will start to pick up a bit.


	14. Supportive Best Friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kevin and Arnold have some best friend bonding time, and Kevin opens up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I figure it's time we finally get some Kevin/Arnold best friend time. Both of them need love and support right now. 
> 
> Also, thanks for the feedback you guys have been giving. I'm happy to hear people feel bad for Sariah too, after last chapter. Though we all want McPriceley, Kevin's girlfriend is an innocent in all this.

The next day, Arnold accompanied Kevin as he headed to work on the playground for the children.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t awake for you to talk to when you got back last night,” Kevin said as they made their way to the field. “I passed out pretty early,” he explained, thinking back to how emotionally exhausted he was after his visit from Connor.

“That’s okay, Buddy,” Arnold said, “I know it was a draining night. But you’ll listen now, right?”

“Of course!” Kevin said, sitting and leaning against a pile of wood that Mutombo had dropped off, Arnold sitting with him. “How did it go?”

“There was some crying,” Arnold said. “Mostly from me,” he added when Kevin raised an eyebrow. “I still can’t believe that the first girl who ever really liked me spent the last year lying to me.”

“Arnold, it wasn’t her fault,” Kevin insisted. “You should be blaming me and Connor instead.”

“I don’t blame any of you. I mean, I’m really angry about the secrets and lying, but I get why she did it. It just hurts to find out my girlfriend didn’t tell me some really huge stuff for like a year! Isn’t that a big deal in most relationships? What if she’s been lying to me about other stuff too?”

“Arnold, don’t think like that! Nabulungi loves you. She thinks you’re the greatest thing ever.”

“I guess,” Arnold replied, shrugging his shoulders dejectedly. “But what if she actually is keeping other stuff from me? It’s almost funny,” he chuckled humorously. “I’m a liar who invented an entire religion based on lies, and now I’m seriously freaking out over the fact she kept something from me.”

Kevin wrapped an arm around Arnold’s shoulders. “How did it go when you told her you knew everything.”

“At first she tried to pretend she had no idea what I was talking about. But then she seemed almost… I don’t know… relieved?”

“There you go!”

“What do you mean?”

“She was happy she didn’t have to keep things from you anymore. Doesn’t that show how much she cares?”

“I guess.”

“Did she say anything else?”

“Just what you guys had said. That she knew Connor being gay was a big deal, and it wasn’t her place to tell anyone else, even me. And that as much as she hated keeping it from me, at least you guys had someone to talk to.”

“I think she really was helpful to Connor,” Kevin said.

“Why didn’t you keep talking to her? She said that you started saying you were fine after like a month.”

“I don’t know,” Kevin said. “Part of it was that she was the only one who knew, so it was a lot for her. And she was also hearing it from both sides, which probably got confusing. Plus, I didn’t really want to be the cause of her keeping things from you.”

Arnold twisted his fingers, “She, um, she didn’t say what, but she said that there’s some other stuff that she knows about that nobody else does, and that she can’t say anything.”

Kevin ran a hand through his hair and chuckled nervously. “At least she’s being honest about keeping things from you now, right?”

“Kevin?” Arnold started, quietly, Kevin startling slightly at hearing his given name coming from Arnold’s mouth. “Buddy, you don’t have to say anything if you don’t want to, but I can listen too if there’s anything else you need to talk about.”

“I didn’t want to make today about me.” Kevin said. “Probably for the first time ever,” he tried to joke. He looked at Arnold, “I just wanted to be your supportive best friend today.”

“As much as I hate you kept big things from me for almost a year, you’ve always been my supportive best friend. Well, except for that first week.”

Part of Kevin wanted to talk to Arnold about what was going through his head, but the other part was scared. Arnold had a hard time keeping things secret, and wasn’t very discrete. 

But he was the most kind-hearted and sincere person that he knew. And it would be a relief to know that he had someone next to him to talk to. And that he wouldn’t be the cause of any more secrets between Arnold and Nabulungi.

“You have to swear that other than Nabulungi, you will not let a single person know about this, okay?”

“I swear!” Arnold insisted.

“I mean it. You can’t even let on that you know anything. No weird looks, no awkward comments, nothing.”

“I can do it!” Arnold insisted again.

“Swear on the sacred frogs.”

“I swear,” Arnold said, knowing how serious Kevin was.

“Okay, so only three other people know about this. I didn’t even know about it until yesterday, and I still don’t even know what I know, if I even really know anything.”

“Buddy, you’re confusing me.”

“Sorry, I’m a bit confused myself.”

“Do I need to tap dance?” Arnold tried to joke, referencing their arrival to Uganda. “Do you need to crush a box.”

Kevin let out an almost hysterical chuckle. “It’s kind of funny that you bring that up.”

“You’re kind of freaking me out here,” Arnold said.

“Okay. So you know about everything that happened between me and Connor, right?”

“Connor fell in love with you, told you, asked you to give him space, and both of you got really emo.”

“Nice summary,” Kevin replied sarcastically. “But basically, yeah. But losing Connor was affecting me more than it should have, and things were getting really bad. Gotswana figured out that I had depression. I would sometimes wander off to just scream or cry in private. I stopped writing Sariah. I just couldn’t really be happy. Arnold, it’s been really really bad.

“But it didn’t make sense. I mean, I’ve had friendships end before; and Connor and I had only been friends for two months. There’s no way I should have been struggling so much. It made no sense. It still doesn’t really make sense, but there’s the possibility that I may kind of have an idea of maybe why things have been so bad.”

“What?”

“So, don’t panic, but the general knows about everything.”

“About everything what?”

“Everything you guys all learned about last night. And what I’m about to tell you.”

“WHAT! Dude!”

“I said don’t panic.”

“What the heck! How can’t I panic? He knows Connor’s gay?”

“He does. And he quoted you when he told me why he’s fine with it.”

“What? Really?”

“Arnold, you’ve changed everyone’s lives for the better! Of course he’d listen to you.”

“Don’t change the subject by flattering me,” Arnold said. “How does he know? Why is his knowing important?”

“I guess you don’t get to be a feared warlord without paying attention to things. He approached me yesterday to let me know that he knew. And to try to knock some sense into me. The things he said are the reason why I finally talked to Connor.”

“What did he say that was so important?”

“He thinks that I love Connor. The way that Connor loves me.” Kevin closed his eyes, anticipating Arnold’s laughter.

It didn’t come.

Kevin opened his eyes to look at his friend who looked more thoughtful than he’d ever seen him.

“Arnold? What do you think?”

“What do you mean what do I think? What do **you** think?”

“This is where the confusion comes in. I never considered that I could have feelings for Connor that way.”

“So you don’t love him?”

“I don’t know. It’s not like I was able to discover if feelings existed on my own. I was informed that I love him, and now I’m left to make sense of that.”

“So you think you might love him?”

“I don’t know. I never knew anyone with homosexual thoughts before I met Connor. I never had homosexual thoughts before. I know that I love Sariah. The thought of loving Connor is just… I don’t know what to make of it.”

“So you don’t love him.”

“I don’t know! I mean I might. It sounded crazy when the general said it, but pretty quickly it was like, ‘oh, makes sense.’ But it also doesn’t make sense. I have no idea what I feel!”

“Does Connor know?”

“He does. He knows it’s a possibility. But he also knows that I have no idea what my feelings really are. Am I considering loving him because I actually do, or because I was informed that I love him, so now I’m thinking about things?”

“Wow,” Arnold said. 

“Well put,” Kevin chuckled.

“I’m sorry, but… wow. I have no idea what to say?”

“Well what do you think? Do I love him?”

“You seriously want me to tell you about your feelings for someone? I still don’t understand how someone can love me, let alone tell if someone loves someone else.”

“So many people love you, Arnold,” Kevin insisted simply. “You’re my favourite person in the world. I love you more than anyone.”

“I love you too, Buddy,” Arnold said, resting his head on Kevin’s shoulder. “But not like I love Nabulungi.”

Kevin laughed. “I know, Buddy.”

“When you guys were friends you loved him,” Arnold said, showing his insight. “And I think you still do love his friendship. But do you love him like you love me?”

“I don’t know,” Kevin replied honestly. “Sort of yes, but also sort of no?”

“What do you mean?” Arnold asked.

“Just like with you, I’d do anything to protect him. Anything to make sure he’s happy, even if it meant that I wouldn’t be happy.”

“I’d do the same for you,” Arnold said and Kevin smiled.

“But I don’t think I would have reacted the same way if you’d wanted to end our friendship,” Kevin continued. “I mean, I would have been heartbroken, but… I don’t know that I would have been able to follow your wishes to keep away to the point that I’m legitimately depressed. I think I would have done something to get past it.

“I don’t think it means one friendship was more important than the other or anything, just that I kept doing what Connor thought was best for him, even though it was seriously hurting me. I think I would have been more selfish with you.”

Arnold sat quietly for a moment. “Okay, so I think you definitely love him as a person. I don’t know if it’s romantic, but you did put his wishes above yours for a ridiculous amount of time.”

“When did you get so insightful?” Kevin asked.

Arnold shrugged with a soft smirk, “It comes with being a prophet.”

The two boys laughed before Arnold continued. “Do you find Connor attractive?”

Kevin looked away in discomfort. “I won’t judge,” Arnold said. “Objectively, as a guy with zero possibility for being in love with him, I can say that Connor’s a good-looking guy.”

“Yes,” Kevin whispered hoarsely, before clearing his throat. “I mean, though I never recognized it until yesterday, I guess I’d always known that he was attractive. I just never noticed it until I thought I might be in love with him.”

“Okay. Now we can both honestly say that you’re freaking hot,” Arnold said with a laugh, as Kevin’s cheeks turned pink. “But even though I think you’re hot, I have no desire to kiss you or do anything sexy with you.”

“Ditto,” Kevin replied.

“But do you want to kiss Connor?”

Kevin’s cheeks turned redder and he stammered, “Um.. uh.. we kinda…”

“Holy macaroni! You already kissed him!”

“He kissed me!” Kevin insisted. “I just… willingly participated.”

“And?” Arnold asked like an eager puppy.

“Are we twelve-year-old girls?”

“Cut the sarcasm Disney Boy and answer the question.”

Kevin sighed. “It was really good.”

Arnold smiled. “Really good as in Connor’s a good kisser, or really good as in it got you going and you want to do it again.”

“Umm, kind of both? I kind of tried to kiss him last night, but he stopped me and said it’s not fair to lead him on.”

“I get that,” Arnold said.

“But I’m not trying to lead him on!” Kevin said. “I really am confused. But I also really do want to kiss him some more.”

“Of course, but I mean, you’re telling the guy who’s crazy in love with you that there’s a possibility you might be in love with him and definitely want to make out with him, but you’re not making any kind of guarantee there.”

“Ugh, I know! I just wish I had a clear answer. And that nobody would get hurt! I love Sariah and we’ve been talking about marriage, but choosing her would hurt Connor and probably end our friendship for good. But I really care about Connor, and if I figure out that I love him, more than I love Sariah, I’d end up hurting her.”

“No matter what you do, someone’s gonna get hurt.”

“If only there was a prophet nearby to tell me what to do!”

Arnold laughed. “Someone telling you what to do kind of got you into this confusion,” he said.

“Yeah, but the general isn’t my best friend who knows me better than anybody. Please. Tell me what you think. And the truth. Not whatever you think I want to hear, not some creative story, but what you actually think.”

Arnold visibly struggled silently over his words before he spoke. “I can’t.”

“What? Why not?”

“Because you need to work it all out. But I will be here for you to talk to. And to ask questions to guide you. I can be your Yoda!” He added excitedly.

Despite his disappointment, Kevin chuckled. “And I can be yours when it comes to girl troubles.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that Arnold probably seems out of character (except for a few moments), but I found it hard to get his character right when focusing on the issues in the story.


	15. Getting To Know All About You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kevin and Connor hang out and talk about their lives.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No big revelations in this chapter, but I figured it was time for Kevin and Connor to get to know one another better (and again).

Over the next few weeks, Connor found himself watching Kevin even more often than usual.

He noticed his furrowed brow when he was confused or concentrating when reading one of Gotswana’s old medical books. His habit of biting his lip when he was thinking. The laugh that would burst out of him when Arnold would say something to amuse him. The way that his shirts were fitting him slightly tighter due to his increased manual labour. The highlights appearing in his hair and the golden hue of his skin, due to his time working in the sun. 

He noticed Kevin watching him.

Kevin had been watching him often over the last few months, but there was something different about it now. During the break in their friendship, Kevin looked at Connor with a kind of longing sadness, loneliness and confusion. Now in addition to the longing, Kevin looked at him almost quizzically. Like he was trying to figure him out, trying to make sense of what he was seeing.

Which of course made a lot of sense, since Kevin was trying to figure out a lot of things. But it almost made Connor uncomfortable. Not necessarily in a bad way, but it made him more aware of his posture. Of the way he walked, the pitch of his voice, or the way held his arms.

When the man you love starts paying attention to you to try to figure out if he loves you too, you sort of forget how normal people move their arms when they walk. And you want to look your best, but don’t want to look like you’re trying to look your best.

It was all very confusing for Connor.

But despite all the confusion, their friendship was progressing. Though they didn’t have a lot of big conversations, they sat next to each other most meals.

At first the other elders paid a lot of attention to them, curious to see what would happen. But when there were no arguments, no deep dark secrets being exposed, and no blatantly obvious embarrassing moments, the attention slightly lessened.

Conversation was still a bit stilted, though. They tended to stick to safe topics like how their days were, things they witnessed in the village, and the like. They avoided talking about their feelings, though that topic was at the forefront of their minds.

But after a few weeks since their big reveal to the rest of the elders, Connor felt ready to take another step in rebuilding their friendship.

“Do you need any help today?” He asked Kevin, who was preparing to head to the field to continue working on the playground.

Kevin froze, “You want to help?”

“Well don’t sound so surprised that I can be a useful person,” Connor replied with sarcasm.

“No, it’s not that,” Kevin stammered, “it’s just… it’ll be us alone for a while. And things are still…”

“I know, it’s still really awkward,” Connor agreed, finishing Kevin’s thought. “But I’m kind of tired of being observed like a zoo animal, and this way we can talk about whatever, and I can also see what you’ve been doing.”

“Okay, if you really want to,” Kevin said without emotion.

“Well I’m not going to force my presence on you,” Connor said, starting to feel hurt. “If you don’t want me to come, just be honest. I won’t be too offended.”

“No, you can come,” Kevin insisted. “Just make sure to put on a lot of sunscreen and fill up your canteen. It gets really hot out in the field.”

They made their way to the field in almost silence. It wasn’t a comfortable silence, but it wasn’t awkward either. It just was.

It felt incredibly weird to Connor that this man who had been his best friend, with whom he was in love, seemed like almost a stranger to him now. Connor still knew about all that was happening in Kevin’s life – in their living situation it would be almost impossible to not know what everyone was doing, but he was still mostly an outsider.

Connor had not been by the field since Kevin had started building, and gasped in shock and amazement at what he saw as they approached.

Kevin had fashioned a climbing structure out of tires and ropes. He had built a swing set out of wood, and a tire swing as well. He had sanded down more wood to make a set of monkey bars, that was treated to prevent slivers. 

“It’s not finished yet,” Kevin said, noticing Connor’s widened eyes. “I’m still working on forming the metal to make a slide,” he said, gesturing to some scraps of sheet metal, “and I want to make a seesaw as well. And if we’re able to salvage more rope, I’m hoping to make some nets for a soccer field. It’s not perfect, but…”

“It’s amazing,” Connor breathed. He beamed at Kevin, “It’s absolutely amazing. I can’t believe you’ve done all this yourself!”

Kevin smiled. “It’s pretty lucky that my dad’s really handy around the house and used me as an assistant. It’s the only reason I know how to build stuff. I actually helped him build a tree house from scratch for my younger brothers and sisters when I was about 12. I haven’t done it all myself, though. Some of the others, and some of the villagers have helped out. Ghali has been making sure everything is structurally sound, too.”

“They may be helping, but this is all you. It’s absolutely wonderful.”

“Thanks,” the other boy beamed in pride, picking up a piece of metal.

“I didn’t know that about you and your dad,” Connor said, helping Kevin lift the metal.

“My dad would need an assistant when doing big projects, and my big brother Jack was pretty useless with that. He’d always end up hitting himself with the hammer. He somehow actually managed to stab himself with a screwdriver once. So I started helping, and I liked it.”

“That’s great,” Connor said. “And all those motor skills will definitely come in handy when you’re a doctor.”

“Here’s hoping,” Kevin replied, as the boys picked up another piece of metal and placed it near the first.

“How about you?” Kevin asked, grabbing a lighter and some wire. “What was your home life like?”

“Nothing too out of the ordinary,” Connor said, amazed as he watched Kevin use the lighter and wire as a makeshift soldering iron, working to fuse the pieces of metal.

“How so?”

“My parents loved me, but I never really connected with them, you know?” He said, sitting so his back rested against the legs of the swing set. “They really tried, but my dad was kind of a ‘man’s man’ and didn’t understand why his son would rather watch reruns of The Golden Girls than sports.”

“That sucks,” Kevin said, putting down his tools to sit next to Connor.

“It did, but he tried. He came to some of my dance competitions, even though he didn’t love it, and he’d watch classic movies with me when they came on the TV. I actually joined the football team to try to please him.”

Kevin laughed, “how did that go?” 

“About as well as you’d expect,” Connor said, chuckling. “I was a good kicker, though.”

“Did they know about…”

“Me being gay?” Connor finished, shaking his head. “I don’t know if they’ve ever had suspicions, but I never told them anything. And I never acted on any feelings. I mean, I had a crush on Steve, but I never told him, or tried anything, because I knew it was wrong. I kind of started to avoid him after a while.”

“Just like with me?”

“Yeah,” Connor agreed. “I actually had a girlfriend for about a year when I was sixteen/seventeen.”

“And how was that?”

“It was fine,” Connor shrugged. “She was great and I loved her, but only as a friend. I think she may have suspected though.”

“How come?”

“She wasn’t Mormon, and her seventeen-year-old boyfriend never tried anything with her. We barely even made out. She once put my hands on her chest and I kind of freaked out, though I somehow convinced myself it was because I was devout and wasn’t ready for that kind of activity, rather than anything else.”

“I’m sorry you had to spend so long pretending to be someone you’re not,” Kevin said, his heart breaking at the thought of this boy he adored struggling for so long.

“I don’t know how it will be when I go back,” Connor admitted. “I’m finally coming to terms with who I am, but in 8 months I’ll be going back home. I don’t know if I’ll be able to be honest with my family when I’m back.”

“You have to be,” Kevin insisted, hating the thought of Connor going back to how he was before accepting himself. “It was destroying you to be anything other than who you are. And you said your parents always tried to understand you. It may be hard, but I’m betting they’ll try to understand this.”

“Maybe,” Connor shrugged noncommittally. “But how about you?”

“How about me, what?” Kevin asked, still thinking about possibly Connor denying himself happiness in order to appease his parents.

“How was the life of the great Kevin Price in high school? Let me guess; you were class president and prom king, right?”

Kevin’s cheeks turned pink and Connor laughed. “Of course you were! You were totally a jock too, right?”

“I played some sports,” Kevin agreed, “but I did other activities too! I was also yearbook editor and captain of the debate team and chess club.”

Connor laughed again, “So you were a jock and a dork. No wonder you won anything with votes – you had every angle covered! Except maybe theatre geeks.”

Kevin muttered under his breath. “What? I couldn’t make that out,” Connor said.

“I was the lead in the spring musical both junior and senior years,” he muttered again, causing Connor to laugh once more.

“And you probably did all that while keeping a perfect GPA, right?”

Kevin’s cheeks turned even redder as he admitted “I was valedictorian.”

“Jeepers,” Connor exclaimed, “No wonder coming here was such a shock to you.”

When Kevin just shrugged, Connor continued. “From an outsider’s perspective, it seems like you had the perfect life back home. You had the dream high school experience, with the perfect relationship to go with it. Top of your class at the MTC as well. Then you came here, where people didn’t respect your beliefs, you saw people being murdered for no reason, were assaulted, and abandoned by your friends…”

Kevin remained silent.

“I know we’ve all already apologized, but I really am sorry for how we treated you that first week. Looking back, I don’t know how we weren’t more supportive after you’d just witnessed murder and still had the blood all over you. I don’t even have any idea how I would have reacted. And to have that happen, then for everyone who was supposed to care about you just up and abandon you?”

Kevin wrapped his arms around his legs, as Connor continued. “I still can’t believe that I abandoned you. That I let looking good in the eyes of the mission president take more importance than making sure you were okay.”

“Why did you?” Kevin finally whispered.

“I think I was scared,” Connor said. “I mean, of course I was scared about the president’s reaction. I’d been here for 3 months and we’d had no baptisms, so I let Arnold’s misguided success take precedence over the well-being of one of my missionaries. But I think I let that happen because I was scared of you.”

“Of your feelings?” Kevin asked.

Connor nodded. “You were a bit of an butthead back then,” he said. “But even despite your attitude, which I kind of get now, I was drawn to you, even though I didn’t want to be.”

“Because I was an asshole?” Kevin asked, wanting to know how this boy who claimed to love him could have hurt him so badly.

“Well yeah, you being a butthead was part of it, but I still didn’t want to acknowledge that I was gay. And you were making that really hard. So I moved my focus away from you.”

“It really hurt,” Kevin said. “Even though we weren’t really friends at that point, it hurt that you put baptisms ahead of my well-being.”

“I’m sorry,” Connor said again, his sincerity evident.

“I know,” Kevin replied. “And I’m sorry for making your life difficult. Both back then and right now.”

“I know it hasn’t been on purpose,” Connor said. “You’ve mostly gotten rid of your butthead ways, and you didn’t set out to make me fall for you.”

“You’re one of the best people I’ve ever known,” Kevin said, making Connor smile. “And I’m really glad you decided not to leave.”

“Me too,” Connor said, leaning his head on the other boy’s shoulder. Kevin wrapped his arm around Connor’s shoulder as the two boys sat together, contentedly.


	16. Realization

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally.

Kevin took a break from the playground for about a week because Gotswana needed his help in the clinic due to a minor flu outbreak.

Due to his AIDS-weakened immune system, Gotswana asked Kevin to take the lead on the flu-related cases, though he still supervised and provided guidance to the future doctor. As expected, Kevin thrived.

“You really have a future in the field,” Gotswana said as Kevin ushered out their latest patient. “You’re going to be a fantastic doctor.”

“You really think so?” Kevin asked, removing his face mask. He beamed with pride in his skill. It was one thing to know what you want to do with your life, but another to hear that you could truly be successful.

“Absolutely,” Gotswana said. “When we met, you were an asshole,” Kevin smiled sheepishly, “but after the incident with your actual ass hole, you became a good person.” Kevin’s cheeks turned pink at the mention of his medical emergency.

“Well thank you so much for bringing up that wonderful time in my life,” he said, “but it’s great to know you think I have a future. I’m learning from the best, after all.”

Gotswana scoffed, “I’m hardly the best. I can’t do half the shit your American doctors can do with all their fancy equipment and medicines.”

“Exactly,” Kevin said. “You don’t have the resources, but you’re keeping these people alive, and fairly healthy. With what you have to work with, that takes incredible skill. I’m probably learning more from you than I will in medical school.”

Gotswana chuckled, “Well you had still better work hard in school. Don’t expect to get a job with me just because you flatter!”

Kevin laughed, “Of course! Though I do hope you’ll write me a letter of reference before I leave.”

“You better start impressing me then!”

The two laughed as Kevin cleaned up the examination room, not wanting Gotswana to touch any of the materials used by the infected patients.

“You look less sad,” Gotswana said, as he observed the boy.

When Kevin looked at him, he continued. “You still don’t seem to be fully back to yourself, but you’ve seemed less dejected for the last couple of weeks.”

“I guess things aren’t quite as bleak as they were before,” he admitted, thinking of his renewed friendship with Connor, “though I’m still working through some stuff.”

Gotswana nodded and clapped his hand on the younger boy’s shoulder. “Depression isn’t miraculously cured. It’s still in you, and it will be for a long time. But whatever has been helping you… make sure to keep going with it.”

Kevin nodded and smiled as he finished wiping down the examination table.

 

***  
It became a regular occurrence – Connor accompanying Kevin to help work on the playground.

The play structures were mostly built, and they were working on the final touches.

“You’ll never guess what I managed to find!” Connor exclaimed, practically bouncing in excitement on their walk to the field. His enthusiasm made Kevin laugh.

“Do you want me to actually guess, or are you going to share?”

Connor fake pouted, “well I was going to just show you, but now I want you to actually guess!”

Kevin laughed again. “If it’s got you this excited, it must be something pretty awesome. Ballet slippers?”

Connor gasped. “Don’t you even joke about that! I would actually let out a swear word if it meant I could have a pair.”

Kevin smiled fondly at Connor’s infectious attitude. “Should I keep guessing, or will I just make you mad?”

“I would threaten to withhold my surprise from you, but you’re going to see it in about 10 seconds, so there isn’t enough time.”

As they approached the field, Kevin looked around and it was his turn to gasp and freeze. Connor had procured paintbrushes and two buckets of paint.

“You like?” Connor bit his lip nervously.

“Connor, this is amazing!” The previous week, Kevin had lamented that they couldn’t make the playground bright and colourful for the children, since there wasn’t much paint to be found in the area. Somehow Connor had managed to make his vision happen.

“There isn’t much. One bucket of red and one of blue, but I think it will brighten things up a bit.”

Kevin smiled at Connor and his thoughtfulness. It was for reasons like this he adored the other boy.

“Let’s do this!” he said as they each approached a bucket.

They got almost as much paint on the equipment as they got on each other.

 

***  
The time he spent with Connor was the best part of Kevin’s day.

In a way, it was just how it was in the early months of their mission. The two had begun laughing and joking again, and the easiness of that time was reasserting itself into their interactions.

But in a way it was different as well. There were moments that Kevin would see Connor looking at him with a mix of longing and sadness. There were moments that Kevin would catch himself with that same feeling.

He had to consciously restrain himself from being physically affectionate with the other boy. He still wanted to kiss Connor, but aside from that, he had to keep himself from hugging the other boy, or leaning his head on his shoulder, or wrapping his arm around him.

Outside of his relationship with Sariah, Kevin had never been a physically affectionate person. He never did ‘bro hugs’ with his friends. He never touched people out of happiness.

He was affectionate with Arnold, but that was mostly because Arnold was affectionate with him. Kevin had never been physical with anyone the way he was with Connor. Before everything went sour, they had wrapped arms around each other and hugged in happiness. They had bumped hips when joking around. And Kevin found he had to really think to keep himself from touching Connor. He’d never had that experience before.

When they were together, he would think about Connor’s hands. They were beginning to get calloused from their work on the playground, and he wondered how the new roughness would feel in his own hands.

When Connor would hammer pieces of wood together, his muscles would flex slightly, and Kevin wondered if it would feel different now if Connor were to throw his arm across his shoulders.

When Connor bent to lift larger pieces of wood or metal (lifting with his legs, of course, not with his back), Kevin noticed his eyes lingering on the boy’s thighs and backside, and he wondered if bumping hips would feel the same now as it did over a year ago.

He wondered how it would feel to touch that backside.

When Connor laughed as Kevin dropped the hammer on his toe one day, Kevin couldn’t keep himself from smiling through the pain, heart bursting at the sound of the other boy’s laughter, wanting to hear that sound again and again, and wanting to be the cause of his happiness.

He wanted Connor.

 

***  
After becoming the unofficial assistant builder of the playground, Connor took great pride in the project, and he and Kevin were nervously putting the finishing touches on everything before the afternoon’s ‘grand opening’.

As Connor finished taping a ribbon from the swing set to the slide (because every grand opening needs a ribbon cutting), he noticed Kevin staring at him.

“What, do I have something on my face?”

“I love you,” Kevin unexpectedly replied, causing Connor to freeze.

“What?” He whispered.

“I love you,” Kevin repeated, moving towards the other boy.

“You do?” Connor asked, disbelief in his voice. “Why?”

“What do you mean, why?” Kevin asked, standing directly in front of him. “You’re smart, and caring, and kind, and funny, and brilliant, and wonderful, and hot, and a whole bunch of other things.”

“You… how… why…?” None of this was making sense to him.

“Why is this so hard for you to believe?” Kevin asked. “You’ve known for like two months that it was a possibility.”

“Yeah, but I never thought… I mean…”

“Me neither,” Kevin said. “But even though it took me a while to understand it, I did figure it out for myself.”

“This is real?” Connor asked, gently placing a hand on Kevin’s shoulder. “This isn’t going to turn into a hell dream?”

“It’s real,” Kevin said, a soft smile on his face. 

Slowly a grin began to appear on Connor’s face, and he let out a choked laugh as he wrapped his arms around Kevin’s neck, pulling him into a hug.

“You love me?” He asked again for confirmation.

“I do,” Kevin replied, still grinning. “You love me?”

“I do,” Connor replied as well, as he pulled Kevin towards him for a kiss.

As they laughed between kisses both sweet and passionate, little did they know that an envelope from Toronto was waiting on Kevin's bedside table.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So part of me feels like Kevin realizing he loves Connor came out of nowhere, but part of me also feels like I've been building towards it. What do you think?


	17. Sariah's Letter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kevin reads Sariah's letter and talks with Arnold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the reviews and kudos. They really inspire me to continue writing.

Holding hands, Kevin and Connor laughed and stole kisses their whole walk home from the playground. As they neared the house, Kevin spoke.

“Is it okay if we don’t make a big show of things?” He asked the other boy. “At least in front of everyone but Arnold and Nabulungi. I feel like we just stopped being observed like zoo animals, and I feel like this will tip things over again.”

Though sad at keeping things to themselves, Connor nodded. “I understand. Everyone already knew I was gay, so it wasn’t a huge surprise when that was revealed to them. Learning that you have feelings for me will definitely get a different reaction from the others.”

“I don’t want to hide things,” Kevin said, “But maybe just a bit of time to figure out how this is going to work?”

Connor nodded, “Of course.”

“I love you,” Kevin said, giving Connor a quick peck.

“I love you too,” Connor replied, still not believing that this was actually happening, before they released hands and headed inside.

Going their separate ways inside the house, Kevin headed to his bedroom. He began getting ready to shower before the playground opening when he froze, seeing an envelope on his bedside table.

Walking to his bed, Kevin saw that the letter was from Sariah and his heart started to pound. It had taken her 9 weeks to reply to his last letter.

_‘What will it say? What will it mean?’_

Kevin picked up the envelope and stared at it for a long while before slowly opening the seal.

_Kevin,_

_While it is always wonderful to hear from you, I must admit that your last letter shocked me. If it were not for your handwriting, I almost would have believed it was forged._

_I’ll start with the updates. Toronto has been wonderful. We’ve had a few more baptisms, and we are all thoroughly enjoying the city. Now that the snow has melted, and the temperature is rising, the city is showing its beauty once again. It sometimes baffles me that I have only four more months in my mission. I can’t believe it’s been over a year already. We have accomplished so much here, yet as always, there is much to do._

_I miss you too._

_I will admit that I had begun to notice your letters becoming somewhat distant. While it was delightful to hear about the adventures of your peers, you were speaking very little about yourself. I think that contributed to the surprise of hearing about your decisions._

_I never knew much of the things you’d witnessed. Early on you mentioned that things were difficult, but you never mentioned the people dying, some by murder, and you definitely did not mention being attacked by a crazed warlord!_

_I hope you can understand that this is all coming as quite a shock to me. First of all, that you were attacked! What happened? What kind of attack? Is everything okay with you and with everyone else? Is there anything that I can do from here to help you? Please let me know how you are!_

_I guess asking if everything is okay is a bit of a silly question. Of course everything is not okay. You’ve witnessed death, murder, and were attacked in some sort of way. I can’t even imagine witnessing anything like that, let alone being part of it. I can’t imagine how that has affected you, and I’m really, truly sorry that you have had to go through what you’ve experienced._

_But to turn your back on our beliefs – is that truly the best course of action at a time like this? I know you were prepared for my response, however I must still say that you should be looking towards Heavenly Father at a time like this more than ever! I know you don’t think that He will be helpful, but it is at times like this that The Adversary will try to lure you to his ways and seek to destroy you. I believe that Heavenly Father will help to guide you back on the right path._

_You ended your letter by asking me questions that I will try to answer._

_Do I still love you? Yes. Kevin, I absolutely still love you. Despite your confusion, I still want you in my life. I still want to share my life with you. I truly do believe that you are strong enough to find your way back to the path of righteousness, and that we will lead a wonderful life together. Kevin, no matter how you are feeling, no matter how your experiences have changed parts of you, I know who you are deep down as a person. And that person is the most intelligent, kind, giving, considerate, wonderful person I have ever met. That person is still inside of you, despite your recent struggles._

_That is the person that I love, and that is the person I will continue to love, even if we do grow to have differences._

_I love you and I miss you._

_Please write back soon!_

_All my love,  
Sariah_

Kevin re-read the letter twice before calmly folding it and placing it back inside the envelope.

While he didn’t doubt his feelings for Connor, unexpected as they were, he also knew that he still loved Sariah. And though she naively believed he’d find his way back to Mormonism, she still loved him, despite his loss of faith. She still wanted to be with him.

And he was relieved.

Kevin had just made sense of his feelings for Connor, which he thought would be the biggest hurdle he’d face. But now he had two wonderful people who loved him, who he happened to love in return.

And he had no idea what to do.

Arnold came into the bedroom, whistling as he entered. “Hey Buddy!” He said in his usual eager voice. “Hey, what’s wrong?” He asked, noticing Kevin’s frozen form.

“I’m in love with Connor,” Kevin stoically replied.

“Yeah?” Arnold asked, a grin on his face.

“Yeah,” Kevin replied.

“How’d you know?”

“I don’t know,” Kevin said, turning to face his best friend. “It’s not like I had a sudden epiphany or anything. I just started to notice that he makes me really happy. And I’d do anything to make him happy.”

“Aww,” Arnold said, sitting on his bed.

“But there’s a bit of a problem,” Kevin said, handing Arnold the envelope with Sariah’s letter.

Arnold opened the envelope and looked at Kevin for approval before reading.

“Oh,” Arnold said as he got to the end.

“Yeah,” Kevin replied, emotionlessly.

“Well, how do you feel?” Arnold asked, simply.

“I love Connor,” Kevin said. “I know now that I’m in love with him. But I love Sariah too.” He took a deep breath before continuing, “A big part of me thought that she’d want nothing to do with me after I told her I was leaving the church. I mean, I knew she wouldn’t say it in that way, because she’s not a mean person, but I didn’t think she’d be so understanding. And I’m happy she still wants to be with me. I still love her and I never wanted her to just decide to drop me and everything we’ve been through together.”

“Wow,” Arnold said, trying to make sense of the situation. “So you and Connor are in love. But you and Sariah are also in love.”

“Yeah,” Kevin said.

“What do you want to do?” Arnold asked.

“Right now, I’m kind of overwhelmed with the realization that I love Connor, but it’s hard to even think about giving up an almost three-year relationship.”

“I guess I get that,” Arnold said. “But I mean, half that time you guys have been apart. Is it even really a relationship anymore?”

“Arnold!”

“Calm down, I just mean, you guys barely even communicate. And you’re definitely not the same guy you were when you last saw her. How do you know you’re even still compatible?”

“I don’t know,” Kevin said, disheartened.

“I don’t want to tell you what to do, but Connor knows and loves the you of now. Not some idealized version of you that doesn’t exist anymore.”

“I know,” Kevin said. “And I love him, but we’ve only been back in each other’s lives for like 2 months now. Is that really enough to give up a three-year relationship for? And how would it even work when we go back to our families?”

“I can’t tell ya, Buddy.”

“What do you think? And be honest. I know you had an opinion when I mentioned all this to you before, but now that I’ve sort of worked things out, you can actually be honest with me.” 

Arnold hesitated before speaking.

“I didn’t notice until you brought it up, but when you mentioned maybe loving Connor, it made perfect sense.”

“Why does everyone who knows think that?”

“Because of how you act around him. It’s different than how you act with me, and Nabulungi, and everyone else. You’re just tender and loving towards him. And you have been since before everything happened.”

“I’m loving with you too!”

“Well yeah,” Arnold said, shrugging, “But I’m your best friend. It’s just different with him. You always look at him, and smile at him all adoringly, and touch him. Like you said, he makes you happy.”

Kevin smiled softly, “he does. But what do I do?”

“I can’t tell ya that, Buddy,” Arnold said, as Kevin groaned. 

“I know you have an opinion!”

“Well of course I have an opinion!” Arnold practically yelled in exasperation. “But I don’t want to be the one blamed if things don’t work out.”

Kevin glared and Arnold just shrugged. “All I’ll say is that I think one decision will lead to less regret down the road than the other decision.”

“Ugh, you’re the worst,” Kevin groaned, throwing his pillow at the other boy, before curling up in confusion and sadness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope Sariah's letter came across as she's a genuinely good person, and it wouldn't be unnatural that Kevin would be conflicted.  
> Next chapter focuses on Connor.


	18. Nothing Good Ever Comes From Eavesdropping

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Please don't hate me!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a short one, but the next one is almost done.

After showering and getting ready for the playground opening, Connor couldn’t contain his excitement any longer. Practically bursting with joy, he headed to Nabulungi’s to fill her in on Kevin’s admission.

Answering the door, Nabulungi was taken aback when she saw the expression on the elder’s face.

“Elder, what has gotten into you?”

Connor dragged his friend outside and to the back of her home where there was more privacy. 

“He loves me!” he burst out, tears of joy threatening to fall. “He actually loves me!”

“Elder Price?” She asked for confirmation.

Connor’s grin threatened to split his face as he nodded. “He told me just an hour ago. He loves me!”

Connor still couldn’t wrap his head around it. He had been pining for the other boy for over a year, never believing Kevin could ever see him in that way. He was unremarkable – just plain, ordinary Connor. Kevin was just so far out of Connor’s league. Tall, beautiful, talented, driven, smart, athletic, funny – he was literally a perfect man.

Kevin had never even considered he could ever have feelings for another man, and yet somehow, he did. And for some inexplicable reason, the man he loved was Connor. He didn’t know what Kevin saw in him that would make the other boy reject all he’d known his whole life, but Connor was so incredibly grateful.

Despite a decade of torment and self-hatred, he must have done something right to be rewarded with the person of his dreams.

Nabulungi was thrilled at this turn of events. Ever since Elder Price had confided in her that he may have feelings for the other boy, she knew that it was true. She hadn’t realized it on her own, but immediately afterwards it was clear to see that he was in love with Elder McKinley.

She was somewhat surprised that it took him just a few months to work out his feelings, after a lifetime of being surrounded by homophobia, and never considering that love for a man was a possibility. But then again, Elder Price never did things halfway. If he was going to figure out he loved the man, he’d do it in spectacular fashion.

“I’m so happy for you, Elder,” Nabulungi said, smiling in return as she saw her friend’s exuberance. “You deserve so much happiness, and you and Elder Price can make each other very happy.”

“I just still can’t believe it,” Connor said. “I knew that he loved me as a friend before I messed everything up, but I never thought it could be this. I wonder what would have happened if I hadn’t destroyed our friendship. Would we have gotten to this point sooner?”

“I do not know,” Nabulungi replied. “But I think that everything happens for a reason. I don’t know if Elder Price would have realized just how important you are to him if he hadn’t lost you from his life.”

“Maybe,” Connor replied. “But we wasted so much time! I have just 6 months left here. And who knows what will happen after that!”

“Do not worry about what will happen after you leave. Just focus on here and now,” Nabulungi said. “You have 6 months to spend together in happiness.”

Despite his now growing worries about their limited time together in Uganda, Connor smiled wistfully and sighed. “Together. With Kevin.”

 

***  
Connor headed home after talking with Nabulungi, practically floating with joy, grin still on his face.

_‘I’m finally going to be in a relationship with a man,’ he thought to himself. ‘A man that I love, and who loves me in return!’_

Though Connor had never wanted to be gay, he always knew deep down that he wanted to be with an amazing man. He just never thought he’d be able to let himself give into his dreams. He always assumed he’d find a wonderful woman he cared for, marry her, and produce Mormon children, just as expected. He would never be truly happy or satisfied, but he could at least make himself be somewhat content.

But through getting to know Kevin, and growing to love Kevin, Connor was finally allowing himself to look towards the future he’d never dared to truly hope for. 

When he entered the mission home, Poptarts startled at the kitchen table when he saw the look on Connor’s face as he walked past.

“What’s got you so happy?” the smaller boy asked.

“Huh?” Connor asked, shaking himself from his reverie. “Oh, uh, just excited for the playground,” he said. Though it wasn’t exactly true, it wasn’t fully a lie either, so he felt no guilt for his response.

Leaving the kitchen, Connor headed to Kevin’s room and was about to knock on the door when he heard Kevin and Arnold’s somewhat muffled voices coming from inside.

“So what are you going to do about Connor?” Arnold asked.

“I don’t know,” Kevin replied, causing Connor to frown. _‘He doesn’t know? What is he talking about.’_

“You need to figure it out like immediately,” Arnold said. “You can’t avoid him, and you can’t lead him on.”

_‘Avoid me?’_ Connor thought to himself, _‘why would he avoid me? Unless…’_ Connor realized that though Kevin had made admissions of love, he had never promised Cononr anything.

_‘He doesn’t want to be with me,’_ Connor realized, tears beginning to fall as he headed back to his own room.

_‘I knew it was too good to be true.’_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So when I had the idea for this fic, I wanted to write about Kevin being conflicted between Connor and a girlfriend back home. Somehow it has blown up into this fic that's already 18 chapters!!
> 
> Next chapter will get into Kevin's headspace a bit. I'm hoping I won't have the boys suffering for too long, but really I never planned on a lot of what's happened in the story.
> 
> <3 Connor :(


	19. Kevin's Headspace

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A glimpse into Kevin's thoughts as he tries to sort out his feelings for his girlfriend and Connor, and tries to make the best choices for his future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know last chapter was probably a bit of 'ugh, more angst?' but Kevin can't just easily turn his back on everything he knows. Hopefully this one helps make sense of things from his perspective.

As he headed to the playground after his conversation with Arnold, Kevin was still incredibly confused.

He loved and wanted to be with Connor, but he still loved Sariah. 

He and Sariah had spent a very happy year and a half together before their missions. They were truly in love, and Kevin had genuinely wanted to marry her. And on top of that, being with her made sense. They worked so well together. And being with her would also mean he’d continue to have a strong relationship with his family and friends. Plus, he knew she would make him happy.

But they’d been apart for over a year now. Kevin still loved her, but he wasn’t the same person as before. He’d matured. He’d experienced so much more of the world. Though he’d change parts of his experiences, he wouldn’t change who he’d become. But did Sariah fit in his life now?

Connor did.

Connor had first developed feelings for the Kevin who first arrived in Uganda – the Kevin that Sariah loved. But the man he’d genuinely fallen in love with was the one who was here now. The Kevin who was somewhat jaded, a bit more pessimistic, much more humble, and much more alert to the world around him.

Connor fit Kevin now. But would he fit Kevin in eight and a half months when he headed home to the United States?

Though Uganda was an extremely homophobic country, their peers here would not have a problem with the two men engaging in a relationship. They would be free in their little village.

But back home, they’d have their families and friends. Would they be as understanding? Would his parents still love and support him if they found out that he had ended a three-year relationship with Sariah for the love of a man?

Would Kevin want to revert to his old life upon his return back home?

A large part of him thought that he might, if only culturally. He knew he’d never fully regain his blind faith in Heavenly Father and all the religion called for. But he knew he could easily play the role if it meant his life would be easy and peaceful.

But did he want easy and peaceful?

Being with Sariah meant security. It meant he knew exactly what his life would be like in ten years. He’d be happily married to Sariah and finishing his residency in internal medicine. Though money would be tight because of his education, they would probably have a couple of children. Depending on where he went to school and did his residency, they’d either have weekly dinners with family, or would be travelling to spend every vacation together.

It sounded nice.

Being with Connor was an unknown. He had no idea whether Connor would be able to go wherever he went to school. Or if they’d even still be together in ten years. Was his love for the other man just a phase, or was it a ‘forever’ kind of love? Would they even be compatible as a couple?

How would his family truly react if he was in a serious relationship with another man? Would they still want to gather regularly? Would he travel to see them for holidays, or would they come to see him? Or would it be like he never existed? The black sheep of the family. Would Connor and Arnold become his only family?

Could he handle it if his family abandoned him?

All of these thoughts were running through Kevin’s head as the playground was officially opened.

Despite his confusion, Kevin genuinely smiled as he saw the eagerness on the faces of the children, clamoring to get on the equipment, but being made to wait as Arnold blessed the playground as the village prophet.

Kevin searched the crowd for Connor, finally seeing him at the other end of the crowd. He initially smiled at the other boy, proud of all they’d accomplished, but the smile quickly turned to a frown when he saw the look on the other boy’s face.

He looked… heartbroken.

Confused, Kevin made a move to go talk to the other boy, before his attention was called away when Arnold said his name. He looked briefly to his best friend, then back to where Connor had been standing, but the other boy was no longer there.

Saddened, Kevin put on a fake smile and stepped towards his best friend.

“So this whole thing is thanks to my best friend. Got a few words, Buddy?” Arnold asked.

“Our prophet gives me too much credit,” Kevin said to the villagers. “I may have had the idea of building a playground for the kids, but it was a community effort. So many people here helped out with donations, building, and making sure everything was safe. I just hope you all have a lot of fun with it.”

Kevin stepped back to his spot among the masses as Nabulungi handed Arnold a frog. “And now to officially bless and open the playground!” He released the frog as the screaming children went running towards the equipment and Mafala cut the ribbon that Connor had hung earlier that day.

The ribbon that connected between the swing set and the slide. The slide behind which Kevin and Connor had shared declarations of love.

Kevin suddenly felt as though he was suffocating. He had to get away from the playground. The place that he had worked on so lovingly and meticulously was now a place that was making it hard to breathe.

Gasping, Kevin made sure that nobody was looking as he slowly backed up before running away from the melee.

He only stopped running once he reached home, gasping as he leaned against the corner of the house. Finally catching his breath, he looked up and saw Connor sitting against the side of the house.

“Hello,” Connor said, emotionlessly.

“Hi,” Kevin breathed, heart still pounding.

“I won’t make things difficult for you,” Connor said, confusing Kevin.

“What are you talking about?” Kevin asked.

“I won’t be mean to you, or beg, or be rude, or shut you out again, or anything like that.”

“Why would you…”

“I overheard you and Arnold,” Connor cut him off, causing Kevin to freeze. “Talking about what to do about me.”

“Connor, I…”

“And I realized, you may say you love me, but you never made me any promises.”

“Connor, I do love you, I just…”

“And I know you and Sariah love each other,” Connor continued, as if Kevin hadn’t spoken, “and you make much more sense with her. I can’t resent your happiness. I want you to be happy. I mean, I want me to be happy too, but even more than that, I want you to be happy. And if you’ll be happier with her, then I understand.”

With that, Connor stood up, gently patted Kevin’s shoulder, a sad, forced smile on his face, and walked into the house.


	20. Breaking Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kevin breaks down and Poptarts lends an ear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm alive!!

Kevin had rushed after Connor as soon as his brain caught up to what was happening. Connor knew he was confused, and had taken it upon himself to end things before they even started. 

Kevin couldn’t let Connor just walk away, so he rushed into the house. Reaching Connor’s room he heard the sobs coming from the other side of the door, and Kevin’s heart broke.

_‘I made that happen.’_

Kevin knocked quietly on the door, and heard a broken “Go away!” called from inside.

“Connor? Connor, please talk to me!” Kevin begged. He needed to explain to Connor all the things that were going through his head.

“Just leave me alone. Please. I can’t be around you right now.” Connor called back.

“Connor, please let me explain things.” He needed to let Connor know that he really was in love with him. But that it wasn’t easy to just abandon his life.

“Just go,” Connor said.

“Connor, please! Please let me explain. I don’t want to end things!” Kevin pleaded through tears as he continued knocking.

Kevin didn’t know how long he continued knocking and begging for Connor to listen, making professions of love, when he felt a tap on his shoulder.

Turning around he saw Poptarts looking up at him, a mix of worry and anger on his face.

“What happened?” The smaller boy asked.

“I just…” Kevin sputtered. How could he possibly explain what was going on.

Finally, he took a deep breath and confessed to the other boy, “I’m in love with Connor.”

“Fucking finally,” Poptarts replied.

“What?” Kevin asked, incredulously.

“We all kind of figured it out a few weeks ago,” Poptarts said, as Kevin gaped in shock. “What happened?”

Kevin’s brain was still a jumbled mess with all the emotions running through it, paired with the confusion of his feelings, so it took a moment to make sense of things.

“I told Connor that I love him a few hours ago, and we were really happy.” A soft smile was on Kevin’s face before he continued. “But then I got a letter from my girlfriend, and it just made things confusing. Connor must’ve overheard me talking to Arnold about my confusion and thinks that I don’t want to be with him.” The tears started again, “But I do want to be with him. I love him! But I’ve loved Sariah for a few years, and I can’t just end that without actually thinking things through. But I never wanted to end things with Connor! We never even got to start, but he told me it’s done!”

_‘Shit!’_ Poptarts thought. _‘This is an even bigger mess than before!’_ His first thought was to be upset at Kevin for breaking his best friend’s heart, but he looked at the boy whose eyes and face were red and swollen from tears, and whose breath was hitching as he tried to hold back sobs. He knew that Kevin was genuinely heartbroken and confused.

As Kevin cried, Poptarts went to the kitchen and quickly retrieved a glass of water for the other boy who took it gratefully, though the tears continued to fall. “I really do love him” Kevin mumbled. “But I can’t rush into things. I need to think things through. I need to make the right decision.”

Kevin’s face completely crumpled, “But now I might not even have a decision to make. Connor doesn’t want to be with me anymore.” He started to sob, “I can’t… I can’t…”

Having noticed Kevin’s escape from the playground, Arnold had left as soon as he could get away to follow his friend, and was surprised to enter the house to see his best friend sobbing on the floor with a helpless-looking Poptarts, talking about his love for Connor.”

“I love him” Kevin was gasping between sobs as Arnold approached and sat beside his companion. Kevin instinctively leaned his head on Arnold’s shoulder as he continued to cry. Arnold looked at Poptarts who briefly filled him in on the situation, knowing Kevin was in no condition to explain things again.

Nodding at Poptarts, Arnold helped Kevin to his feet before leading the hysterical boy to their room. Poptarts took a deep breath and knocked on the door to his own room.

***

Having left Kevin outside, Connor let the tears fall as he collapsed on his bed, sobbing. He choked on his tears as Kevin begged for him to listen, but he couldn’t bear to talk to the other boy. He ignored Kevin’s continued knocking and begging, until eventually he heard muffled voices and the knocking stopped.

Connor didn’t know how much time had passed until he heard another knock on the door.

“Kevin, leave me alone!” He cried.

“Connor, it’s me,” came Poptarts’ voice.

“Please go away,” Connor begged.

“No can do,” Poptarts said. “I talked to Kevin, and know that you need someone to talk to. Plus, it’s my room too.”

Sighing, Connor opened the door. “I don’t want to talk about it,” he said.

“Okay,” Poptarts said, “But just so you know, he doesn’t look much better than you do right now.” He gestured to Connor’s mussed hair, red face, and tear and snot stains.

Connor scoffed, “What reason does he have to be so upset.”

“Maybe because the guy he loves just ended things before they could even get started?” 

“What are you…”

“Like I said, I talked to Kevin. When I saw him crying and knocking on the door, he told me what was going on.”

“He may love me, but it’s not enough for him,” Connor said, lying back down on his bead and hugging his pillow. “And I may have been the one to say the words, but it was clear he wanted to end things.”

“Did he say that?”

“Not flat out,” Connor replied. “But I heard him telling Arnold he had no idea what to do about me, and Arnold saying not to lead me on.”

Fresh tears started falling as Connor’s face crumpled. “I should have known he’d never choose me.”

“Hey!” Poptarts said, “You know I’m on your side, but Kevin’s really struggling too. He’s really confused right now.”

When Connor didn’t reply, Poptarts continued. “He doesn’t doubt that he loves you. And he really does want to be with you. He’s devastated that you ended things. But he’s been with his girlfriend for a few years and they really love each other too. He doesn’t know how to give up a strong relationship for something that’s not a guarantee, even if he’s not a hundred percent sure it’s what he wants.”

“But why did he have to say anything?” Connor pleaded. “Why couldn’t he wait until he figured things out. Then maybe I wouldn’t have gotten my hopes up, just to have everything ripped away.”

“He’s impulsive,” Poptarts shrugged. “He realized he loves you, and he couldn’t keep it in. But he’s trying not to be impulsive right now. He’s trying to actually think things through. He knows being with her will be easy and makes sense. The rational part of his brain is telling him that’s what he should choose.”

Connor hiccupped as Poptarts continued. “But he’s really in love with you too. He’s inconsolable right now with the thought you don’t want him anymore. And he knows that you love who he is, not who he was before coming here. He loves you so much that he’s considering turning his back on his family and friends and everything he’s ever known, just for a chance to be with you.”

“What do you mean he’s considering…”

“He’s never said he chooses her,” Poptarts continued. “It’s killing him to know he’s hurting you. But he also loves her. He’s trying to make the right decision, even though he thinks you’ve taken the decision away from him. He’s trying to figure out who’s the best match for him now, and who he’ll be truly happy with in the long run.”

“I told him that I’d make things easy for him,” Connor said. “That I wouldn’t fight for him, or beg. That he should be happy with her.”

“I know,” Poptarts replied, “But doesn’t it tell you something that he’s still trying to make sense of things, even though you ended it?

Connor was silent before a ghost of a smile almost appeared on his face. “He might pick me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't love the ending, but I'm happy I finally have something produced here. Originally it was going to be Arnold that Kevin and Connor talked to, but I figured it would be time for someone else to be in the know, and supportive.


	21. Why Does Everything Have To Be So Hard?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kevin is confused, Arnold is supportive, and Connor wants to talk.

Arnold hummed softly as he soothingly rubbed Kevin’s back, the boys laying together on top of Kevin’s bed. Kevin’s breath was still ragged and catching occasionally, but the tears had mostly stopped.

“What do I do?” Kevin eventually whispered, voice raw with emotion.

“What do you want to do?” Arnold asked.

“I don’t… nothing makes sense,” Kevin answered.

“It makes sense,” Arnold replied, “but it just doesn’t make sense in a way that makes sense to you.”

Kevin turned to look at Arnold, eyebrows raised in confusion.

“There’s nothing wrong with what you’re thinking and feeling,” he explained, “it’s just not what you ever expected from yourself. So your brain just isn’t processing it.”

Kevin smiled softly at his best friend. “I guess that makes sense. When did you get so smart?”

“I dunno,” Arnold shrugged. “Things never really came out of my mouth right until I kind of discovered myself. With you and Nabulungi, and the guys… I’m ‘me’ now.”

“I don’t know who I am anymore,” Kevin groaned.

“That’s the not making sense part!” Arnold said. “You’re like a butterfly emerging from its cocoon.”

“You’re weird,” Kevin smiled. “And are you saying I used to be a caterpillar?”

“Dude, it’s an anagram.”

“I think you mean analogy.”

“That too,” Arnold said. “You’re just evolving. You’re 20 years old! Did you think you’d never change?”

“Well I never thought I’d change into a guy who’s thinking about leaving the perfect girl for another guy!” Kevin’s breath hitched again. “Not that I have the other guy to go to anymore. He hates me!”

Arnold pulled Kevin into a hug. “He doesn’t hate you. He’s hurt. He wouldn’t be so upset if he hated you.”

“He wouldn’t even let me try to explain,” Kevin said.

“He thinks you got his hopes up and then crushed them like a gay box,” Arnold said. “Would you want to listen right after that?”

A soft knock on the door interrupted their conversation.

“Guys? Dinner is ready,” Poptarts said through the door.

“I can’t,” Kevin started, shaking his head “I can’t go out there tonight. I can’t handle everyone looking at me, looking at us. I can’t see Connor right now. Not until we’ve talked. And I can’t talk to him until I’ve sorted things out. I can’t…”

“Okay,” Arnold said. “You can stay here and I’ll bring you some food in a bit.”

“Thanks,” Kevin said, pulling the covers over his body and curling into the fetal position.

***  
Connor knew he looked terrible as he sat at the table. His face was still pink, and his eyes were still puffy from crying. As district leader, however unofficial that title now was, he always made sure to eat all dinners with the boys, and just because his personal life was in shambles, tonight would be no different.

Always attuned to Kevin’s whereabouts, Connor knew immediately that he was missing, and when Arnold entered the kitchen alone, a nervous look on his face, he knew that Kevin was avoiding him.

“Where’s Price?” Michaels asked.

“Kevin’s… not feeling well,” Arnold lied horribly.

“It’s not malaria, is it?” Church asked.

“It’s not Malaria,” Arnold said, eyes flicking to Connor. “It’s more… it’s sort of like how he’s been doing for the last few months.”

The other boys all looked at Connor, now clearly noticing his state. He froze, not knowing how to respond to their stares.

“What happened?” Davis asked. “I thought things had been getting better!”

“I… it…” Connor sputtered, not knowing how to respond, and not wanting to confess everything to everyone.

“Guys, leave Connor alone,” Arnold said. “Some stuff happened, there’s been some miscommunication, and now Kevin’s not doing so well. Connor too. So back off.”

After noticing how uncharacteristically serious Arnold was, the other former missionaries sat down to eat their meal, though furtive glances were still sent towards Connor.

_‘Thank you,’_ Connor mouthed to Arnold, but the chubby boy just shook his head, clearly letting Connor know that he didn’t get them to back off as a favour to him.

As conversation stirred around him, Connor ate in silence, mostly picking at his food. He was realizing that he had jumped the gun a bit in ending things with Kevin, and probably should have given the other boy a chance to explain. But he needed to protect himself. He couldn’t just sit back and let the boy he loved string him along.

He thought of how panicked Kevin sounded as he pounded on his bedroom door, pleading to talk to him, until Connor had tuned him out. He’d thought he was making things easier for Kevin by giving him an out. But though he didn’t know exactly how he was feeling, Connor knew that Kevin was in a bad state, once again because of him.

Connor had thought that the day he’d ended his friendship with Kevin had been the worst day of his life, but somehow this had topped it. He’d gone from the highest of highs in being loved by the man of his dreams, to the lowest of lows by having it all ripped away.

He was realizing now that he did really need to talk to Kevin. He needed to know what was going through his head. He didn’t want to hear the other boy talk about his girlfriend and their relationship, but he needed to hear everything from him, instead of jumping to conclusions.

Poptarts had given him hope that things might work out between him and Kevin, but that was just speculation from someone who wasn’t at risk of having their heart torn out.

As dinner ended, Connor handed Schraeder (who was on dish duty) his still mostly full plate and hesitantly made his way to Kevin and Arnold’s door. He raised his hand to knock, but was stopped by Arnold and Poptarts.

“Don’t,” Arnold said.

“But…?”

“It’s bad,” Poptarts said. “He’s as heartbroken as you are, but he’s also got a lot of confusion on top of it.”

“I need to…”

“No,” Arnold said. “He told me he can’t talk to you until he starts to make sense of things. And he can’t be around you until you guys talk.”

“So then we need to talk!”

“No,” Poptarts said, placing a comforting hand on his friend’s shoulder. “He gave you your space when you wanted it. You need to do the same thing for him.”

“But the space didn’t make things better,” Connor exclaimed, “we both just got lonely, and sad, and depressed.”

“Yeah,” Arnold agreed, “but this is different.”

Poptarts nodded, “You weren’t trying to re-evaluate your entire life, or figure out your entire future. For both your sakes, Kevin needs to do this on his own, and being around you will probably just add to his confusion.”

Connor took a deep breath. “Ok. I don’t like it, but I’ll do what he thinks is best for him.” He turned to Arnold, “But can you please let him know that I’m sorry and I still love him?”

“I won’t say anything to add to his stress, but I’ll make sure he knows you still care.”

Connor opened his mouth to protest, wanting to ensure that Arnold told Kevin he loved him, but closed it when he realized Kevin probably thought he hated him.

He nodded and turned to head back to his own room, wondering why everything had to be so hard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> <3 my boys!


	22. Shit Going Through My Head

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor's going crazy, and Kevin gets some advice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for all the continued feedback! You are all so wonderful.

Connor was going crazy.

It had been a few days since he and Kevin had both gotten together and broken up, but he’d barely seen a glimpse of the other boy.

He knew that Kevin had not skirted his responsibilities, and was still helping out around the school, as well as spending a lot of time working at Gotswana’s clinic. He also knew that Kevin was doing his household chores, because the bathroom was meticulously clean, and Kevin was the only one to clean with that precision.

But he also knew that Kevin was leaving before most of the others, including Connor, had woken up for the day, and was returning home well before dinner time, but retreating to his room to avoid conversation.

Connor only knew this for sure, because after 3 days of suspicion, he woke up a few hours earlier than usual and saw Kevin leaving the house at five in the morning.

Seeing the other boy drove Connor mad, and also broke his heart. Though he was still absolutely beautiful, Kevin looked terrible. His face was slightly puffy, he had dark circles under his eyes, and his hair was unkempt. Connor longed to call out to the boy, but could also see how much he was suffering.

So he went on, pretending that he wasn’t dying a little inside, though desperate to talk to the other boy.

Connor was cursing himself. He knew why he was so quick to end things with Kevin, and he knew his reasoning was understandable. Kevin had the power to completely destroy him. 

When Connor heard Kevin and Arnold talking in their room that day, his mind immediately went to the worst-case scenario: Kevin was going to stay with Sariah. So rather than prolong Kevin’s kind-hearted attempts to let him down easily, Connor decided to just rip off the Band-Aid and start the suffering right away, hoping he wouldn’t dig himself into a deeper hole in his hopes of a relationship with him.

But he quickly realized that he made things worse. Kevin didn’t immediately decide to go back to Sariah, and actually did really love Connor, and really did want to be with him. He thought back to his talk with Nabulungi, the day after he walked away from Kevin’s door.

_“I wish we could talk about things,” Connor said, mournfully._

_“This situation is horrible!” Nabulungi replied, having been updated by both Arnold and Connor._

_“Why do I always make things worse?” Connor asked. “First, I break off our friendship to try to protect myself, but end up making us both miserable. Now I break off our relationship, because of something I overheard and didn’t get confirmed!”_

_“I think your reaction was understandable,” Nabulungi said, “though I wish you hadn’t done what you did.”_

_“I just didn’t want to drag things out. I knew he was going to end things for Sariah, so I didn’t want to be hopeful, when he was just trying to figure out how to let me down easily.”_

_“I understand that,” Nabulungi said, “but I do wish you would have given Kevin a chance to explain things first.”_

_“Ugh! Looking back now, I wish I had, but it’s too late. He doesn’t want to talk to me!”_

_“Arnold says that Kevin thinks being around you right now while he’s trying to sort things out will be too confusing for him.”_

_“But I don’t want him to forget that he loves me! I don’t want him to just remember the negative stuff. And I want to know what’s going through his head. Maybe I can help him sort things out!”_

_“Can you be impartial?”_

_“Well, no,” Connor replied._

_“Then you’re not the best person for him to talk to. He has Arnold, and I know he’s been talking to Poptarts a bit too.”_

_“Has he been talking to you?” Connor asked, hopeful that Nabulungi could share some insight._

_“No,” she replied simply. “And even if he was, his thoughts at the moment are not something that I would share.”_

As the days wore on, Connor could only hope that the lack of any contact meant that he was still in Kevin’s heart.

***  
Kevin groaned as he lifted the last box of clinic supplies for Gotswana into the storage cupboard.

“When did I become your labourer?” He complained good-naturedly as Gotswana laughed.

“Your youth and health means that as your supervisor and instructor, I get to abuse your strength,” the doctor replied.

Kevin let out a half-laugh/half-scoff as he closed and locked the cupboard and sat next to the doctor.

“You haven’t looked so good the last few days,” Gotswana said as he observed the former missionary.

“Haven’t felt so good either,” Kevin replied.

“I know you have your brothers, but I am here as well.”

“I don’t know if it’s something I can really just open up about,” Kevin admitted. “It’s a really difficult situation, especially here.”

“I understand,” Gotswana said, and looking at him, Kevin suspected that he really did understand. “But just know, that I am a true follower of The Book of Arnold.”

Taking a moment to really look at the other man, Kevin saw his sincerity, and knew that Gotswana had his suspicions.

“You know my girlfriend?”

“Yes, she is serving her time in Canada.”

“Yeah, well I don’t know that we really fit together anymore. She’s so devout in her beliefs, and so sure of who she is and what she wants. And in my time here, I’m not the same person I was when I left the United States. I don’t know that we fit together anymore. But I still love her.”

“But you don’t know if it’s enough to stay with her. If you will last upon your return.”

“Exactly,” Kevin said. “Before I came here, I was so sure of who I was, and what I wanted. And none of that is me anymore.”

“You were 19 when you came here. You’re just 20 now. Most people don’t stay with their teenage relationships, and most change as they grow up. And that’s what you’ve done - you’ve grown,” Gotswana said, showing his wisdom.

“I guess,” Kevin replied.

“But that’s not all that’s bothering you, is it?” The doctor asked.

Kevin looked at Gotswana again before replying, deciding to trust the older man. “No, it’s not.” He took a breath, “In my ‘growth’ as you call it, I’ve developed strong feelings for Connor.”

“You’re in love with him,” Gotswana said, simply.

“Yes.”

“And he feels the same?”

“Yes.” And Kevin briefly filled Gotswana in on the issues over the past year.

“Such a difficult situation,” Gotswana said. “So you love each other, but loving a man goes against your beliefs.”

“Well yes, but I don’t really believe in all that stuff anymore. And even without all the religious crap, I never really thought there was anything truly wrong with having gay thoughts, just so long as you never acted upon them”

“And what are your thoughts now on acting upon your feelings?” Gotswana asked.

“I don’t really think there’s anything wrong with it.”

“So where is your head at right now?”

“I still love Sariah, and I know it would be so easy to be with her. To live a normal Mormon life. And I’d be happy! I’d probably have to get back into the whole Mormon lifestyle, at least somewhat, but I know we’d be content, and I’d have the future I’d always pictured for myself.”

“So stay with Sariah,” Gotswana said, no emotion in his voice.

“But then there’s Connor. The way I feel for him is just… I love him! And I want to be with him. And he and I fit together now. He knows and loves who I am now, and I know and love him as he is. But it’s just… what if it’s just a phase? What if when we get back it’s too hard to stay away from the lives we’ve always known? What if our families abandon us? What if it doesn’t work out? Would it all be worth it, just to give it a try?”

“Do you want to give it a try?”

“Of course I do! But I hate not knowing what’s going to happen. With Sariah I can tell you exactly what will happen in our lives. And not in just a boring predictable way, but just with the lifestyle we’ll have, and our jobs and family. And It’s really nice! But with Connor, I don’t know what we’ll be like back home. I know Sariah and I will go to the same school, and I know where we’ll live. I don’t know if Connor and I will even live in the same state. Can we really make something last if we aren’t actually together, and with all the external pressures on us? I’ve only known Connor for a year and a half, and we spent most of that time avoiding each other. And he’s only here for another three months, before it’s at least three more of long distance.”

“It sounds like you’re trying to talk yourself out of a relationship with Elder McKinley.”

“I’m not trying to talk myself out of anything,” Kevin exclaimed, “I’m just saying all the shit that’s going through my head.”

“Can I share with you what I think?” Gotswana asked.

Kevin nodded, “Please! Everyone else is trying to avoid sharing their thoughts with me.”

“Your brain is thinking logically. Your head knows that being with Sariah is what makes sense. Being with a woman, loving her, and having a Mormon life is what you’ve always known, and what you’ve always been happy with. To your head, your mind is made up – it’s Sariah.”

Kevin looked away, shoulders hunching slightly.

“But I spent a lot of time with you during your separation from Elder McKinley. I saw how much it was killing you to be apart from him. And that was after barely knowing each other. I also saw you as you began to rebuild your companionship, and how you began to light up again, once you had him back in your life. I also see how devastated you are now that he ended things.”

Kevin wrapped his arms around himself as Gotswana asked “Does he still love you? Even now?”

Kevin nodded, “He asked Arnold to let me know he still cares.”

“I think your mind and your heart are at war. I think you will be happy if you choose to stay with Sariah. I think you will live the life you’ve always planned, you will be successful, and you’ll be content in all that you have. But I also think that you will always wonder ‘what if’.”

“But is that enough?”

“That’s for you to decide. I think you emotionally want to be with Elder McKinley, but as cheesy as it sounds, your heart is at war with your head. Common sense says you’ll be happier with Sariah, but the person you’ve become fits with Elder McKinley.”

“So you think I should choose Connor?” Kevin asked.

“I can’t tell you who to choose,” Gotswana said. “I think instead of focusing on a person, you need to focus on you. Who do you want to be? Do you want to be the idealistic and naïve, yet happy Kevin Price who left the United States on a mission to be praised for saving the world? Or do you want to be the jaded, yet matured Kevin Price who has suffered and veered from his goals yet accomplished much?

Kevin thought about Gotswana’s comments as the doctor gave one final piece of advice.

“You can’t decide who you want to be with, until you figure out who you want to be.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly never thought I'd have Kevin spend so long working things out after figuring out his feelings. But Kevin's head is a complicated place to be, and his confusion just keeps making sense to me!


	23. Explosion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor confronts Kevin and tries to force him to talk things out. It does not go well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been an insanely long time since I've written a multi-chapter fic. I'd forgotten how much these things take on a mind of their own!! My basic outline for the story was Kevin trying to choose between Connor and his girlfriend. Now it's become this!
> 
> You all are seriously wonderful for continuing to read this story, and thank you for all the reviews. And welcome to the newcomers - I can't believe people are still discovering and reading my ramblings, but I'm really happy that it seems you're enjoying it.

Connor was tired of waiting.

He wanted to respect Kevin’s wishes – he knew he _needed_ to respect Kevin’s wishes, but they needed to talk, gosh darn it!

Kevin had been so wonderful about giving Connor the space he thought he needed to work through his feelings, so he knew he should pay Kevin the same courtesy, but the time and space hadn’t helped anything in the end, and the situation could have been a lot better if they’d talked things out earlier.

So when Kevin came home late one evening, Connor was ready.

“Kevin,” he whispered as the other boy slipped silently into the house.

“Fuck!” Kevin hissed in surprise.

“I’m sorry I startled you,” Connor whispered, walking towards him as Kevin took a small step backwards.

“Shit, ah, no. I mean, it’s okay. I just wasn’t expecting anyone to be up,” he said, avoiding making eye contact.

“You okay?” Connor asked, noticing how skittish the other boy seemed at his presence.

“Um yeah,” Kevin said, entirely unconvincingly, as he tried to slip around Connor, “Totally fine. Just… gotta head to bed.”

“Kevin, wait,” Connor said. “I think we need to talk.”

“It’s really not the best time,” Kevin replied, simply, still not making eye contact.

“Well when is? I know I acted rashly when I ended things, but I was hurt. I still love you and I still want us to be together.”

“Connor, I can’t,” Kevin said, sounding dejected.

“Why not?” Connor asked, voice shaking, “Why can’t we be together? Do you…” he swallowed deeply “do you not love me anymore?”

“It’s not…” Kevin ran his fingers through his hair in frustration. “It’s not that.” Connor let out a sigh of relief before Kevin continued, “I’m just not ready. I can’t talk yet about relationships or the future.”

“Why not?” Connor insisted. “It didn’t help when we didn’t talk before. So we shouldn’t hold off on talking now!”

“This is completely different,” Kevin retorted. “You knew your feelings. You knew who you were. You didn’t like it, but you knew. You and I are different people, and I have a lot of things I’m trying to work out.”

“So I should just wait around for you to be ready?” Connor snapped loudly in frustration. “I can expect us to figure things out when?”

“Jesus fucking Christ, Connor. Do you think I’m just scratching my ass wasting time here? Do you think I’ve really sorted out my entire life, my feelings, my relationships, my entire future in just a few weeks? You knew you were gay, you knew what you wanted, and it took you a whole fucking year to talk to me, despite how you saw your decisions were killing me. So fucking forgive me if I can’t work through my issues on your desired timeframe.”

Connor stared at Kevin, mouth agape as shame overtook him and Kevin continued.

“I know I need to get my shit together. I know I’m hurting you by not knowing what I want, and I’m fucking sorry, okay? I don’t want to make things hard for you, but you’re making things really hard for me when you’re trying to force things. I have a hell of a lot more to figure out than just who I want to be with, though if you continue to pressure me, my decision will probably be a whole lot easier to make.” 

A click filled the air as the lights in the hallway turned on, preventing Connor from making any response.

“What’s going on?” Davis asked, sleepily entering the living area.

Frustrated with the situation, Kevin snapped. “Might as well just let it all out. Connor loves me and I figured out that I love him, but I also love my girlfriend. But now Connor here is trying to rush me into deciding whether or not to throw away my entire life, my entire future, and everything I know and have ever wanted, on the chance that a relationship between us might work out. So I’m kind of fucked up right now, and him pressuring me in the middle of the fucking night is not exactly helpful.”

Davis looked back and forth between the angry Kevin, who was pacing and pulling at his hair, looking like he was going to explode, and the anguished, heartbroken Connor, who didn’t seem to notice he had tears running down his face.

“I need to get out of here,” Kevin mumbled, rushing towards the door and leaving the house, slamming the door behind him.

“Well that’s seriously messed up,” Davis said, before Connor collapsed into sobs the couch.

“Shit,” Davis said, quickly leaving the room to wake Poptarts, though he, Arnold, and the others were already awakened from the noise.

“Dude,” Davis said to Arnold, “Price just stormed out of the house after a fight with McKinley.”

Arnold’s eyes widened as he rushed to put on his shoes before running out of the house in just his Star Wars briefs.

Poptarts headed into the living room to be with Connor, as Davis quickly filled the others in on the situation.

“This is bad,” Schraeder said, shaking his head. “I mean, it’s good that Kevin figured out he loves Connor, but the whole situation is a freaking nightmare!”

“Is this what a hell dream is like?” Asked Neeley, “Because I feel like I’m in hell right now.”

“What do we do?” Church wondered aloud, as Connor’s sobs could be heard coming from the living room.

“It’s over,” Connor cried. “I made things even worse.”

“Hey, it’s not over,” Poptarts said. “He’s frustrated and annoyed, but he still loves you.”

Connor shook his head, “You didn’t see the look on his face. He might love me, but he hates me right now. He wasn’t ready to talk but I just pushed and pushed, and he basically said my pushing would lead to him choosing her!”

“But he hasn’t chosen her yet,” Poptarts said, as the others quietly entered the room.

“Yet.” Connor repeated flatly. “It’s only a matter of time.” He let out a scoff, “He was so patient and respectful of me for a year, even though it was killing him, but I couldn’t even give him a couple of weeks. And he’s right. I knew who I was and what I wanted. He has to change his whole life if he wants to be with me.”

The missionaries listened quietly as Connor continued. “He has such a great life. His family, his friends, Sariah, his future – everything is exactly what people dream of. He’s not going to give it all up on the small chance we might work out. And why should he? I’m nothing special. I’m not his equal. He shouldn’t leave it all for me.”

“Connor,” Church started, but the heartbroken boy continued.

“We probably wouldn’t work out anyway. I’m going home in a few months, and he’s here a few more. Even if we give it a try, he’ll probably forget his feelings for me in that time, then go back home to his family. We’ll go to different schools, live different lives, and in 5 years, he’ll be married with kids and I’ll just be the gay boy he experimented with in his youth.”  
“Connor, he doesn’t…” Schraeder started, but Connor interrupted him.

“Thanks for listening, boys,” he said with a sad watery smile as he stood up. “It’s way after curfew, so we should all head to bed.” 

He walked to his room and called out a shaky “Goodnight” as he shut the door behind him.


End file.
